Conflict Resolution Assignment

Transcription

1 Conflict Resolution Assignment Part 1: Handling Conflict Task: Read the following article Handling Conflict and complete the embedded questions. CONFLICT How do you handle it? Do you: Run away? Depending on the argument, you actually run away or you choose to ignore the conflict, pretending it doesn t exist. Fight back? This might mean a physical fight or it might mean a verbal fight, an argument. Give in my going along with what the other person demands? None of these actions resolve a conflict. But there is a way to handle conflict in a positive way for your relationship you can negotiate. When you choose to face a situation and try to resolve the conflict, you, your partner, and your relationship have a better chance of surviving and being healthy. Negotiation involves discussing your difference of opinions to reach an agreement that is as positive as possible for each partner. 1. How do you handle conflict? (Do you run away? Do you fight back? Do you give in to the person?) STEP ONE: Agree To Work It Out Resolving a conflict begins when one (or both) of the people involved in the conflict decides it is time to negotiate and does something about it. This can be a simple process of telling the other person that you want to talk about the issue. Sometimes you can discuss the issue right on the spot. However, some people act on impulse when they really need time to think about it and reflect on possible actions. Things are said and done that may be regretted later. This is especially true it one or both people are so angry that the person needs time to calm down. Negotiation is not immediately possible because individuals need time to work out their feelings and examine the situation in a more reasoned manner.

2 Sometimes the situation is not suitable for a discussion. Working out a conflict in the middle of a movie theater or a friend s part is not the best idea. Finding a fair time and place will give your negotiation a head start. 2. Think back to a time that you had a conflict with someone. How did you handle it? How did the other person handle it? Was the conflict resolved to your satisfaction? Would you have done anything differently? STEP TWO: State Your Feelings It is important for both people to express their feelings so that each person has the opportunity to really understand the other person s perspective. These important feelings need to be expressed in ways that do not threaten or blame the other person. One way to do this is to use I messages, statements that describe how the person feels or what the person thinks without blaming someone else. I m glad you called, I was very embarrassed when you made those remarks, I was angry, I m sorry I yelled, I like to win, and I don t see it as that important are statements that tell about feelings but do not blame the other person. I messages can clearly describe each person s feelings, indicate the problem, and state who wants something to be done about it. The use of you statements has a negative blaming context, as in You could have done much better on that assignment. You messages do not always use the word you. A you message can also include a reference to a third part such as others or someone. Everybody does it that way or No one else feels that way does not directly tell about the feelings of the partners and contributes nothing positive to the process. STEP THREE: State What Has Happened By sending I messages, both people are beginning to describe what has happened. In this state it is important that neither person blame the other, send you messages, or try to reach a solution too quickly. Both people need time to feel comfortable communicating like this so that there is less chance of feeling like not caring about the situation, or hostility and anger.

3 Of course, good communication skills active listening and reflecting back will really help the negotiation process. Active listening involves each person being focused on what the other person is actually saying by facing the speak, using eye contact but not staring, not interrupting and avoiding emotional responses to what is being said, as well as noting the time, gestures and expressions of the other person because these may be clues as to what might be emotionally difficult to talk about. Reflecting back and clarifying statements such as I m not sure I understand what you meant when you said and Did you say? will help the listener get a clear message. 3. What is active listening? 4. What body language is important when actively listening? STEP FOUR: State What You Need Each person must state their own needs, what they need for themselves. These statements tell what each person needs to have in order to resolve the conflict; remember we all have needs. Needs statements are I messages; they do not use you, someone or people. It is appropriate to state that I need more privacy, I need more money to make this worth my time, or I need to pick my own friends. These are I messages that tell about that person s needs. Needs statements do not say what another person should do and they do not blame. It is not appropriate to say, I need for you to be a better player. It is very important to remember that needs and solutions to a problem are different things. Solutions are ways in which people in a conflict can have their needs met. However, saying what you need is not the same as saying a solution. In negotiation, needs statements provide a bridge between stating one s feelings and beginning to solve the problem. STEP FIVE: Brainstorm Ideas Brainstorming is simply a way to generate a lot of ideas quickly. This purpose is to list as many ideas as possible without spending time judging the ideas as they are said. Instead, all the ideas are written down so that they can be considered later because a closer look may reveal a positive point which would not have been considered if the idea had been tossed out. Of course, none of the ideas should be harmful to another person. Sometimes people try to solve a problem by considering only a couple of options. This puts the partners at a disadvantage as potentially better solutions might not even be considered. It is important to take the time to create a good list of options.

4 STEP SIX: Choose the Best Solution Once there is a list of options, the partners must discuss each one to determine 1) which will work, 2) which helps to resolve the conflict, and 3) which wills satisfy both partners. It is important to remember everyone involved in the conflict must be satisfied; otherwise the conflict will not be fully resolved. Go down the list of options and with each possible solution, ask these questions: What is the short term impact? What is the long term impact? Who is satisfied? Whose needs are met? How appropriate is this solution? From all the possible solutions, the people in conflict need to make a choice. Sometimes the answer is clear. In fact, sometimes there is more than one solution that is acceptable to all the people involved. But sometimes the solution requires give and take on the part of the people involved. Compromise involves giving up some things and receiving slightly less than was asked for, in order to settle the differences between people in conflict. Being willing to meet the person halfway reflects the idea that compromise can settle differences. Not all conflicts can be solved quickly. Some conflicts demand much time for reflection or a great deal of compromise before a solution can be found. For some conflicts, the solution is clear but requires a great deal of effort. The people involved must be willing to make the effort and stick with it until the conflict is resolved. 5. When reviewing a list of brainstormed ideas, what are the five (5) questions that you and your partner must ask yourself? STEP SEVEN: Try Out the Solution A solution that looks good on paper and seems acceptable to the people involved only works if it is put into practice. This takes work. It may be necessary to have a plan for putting the solution into effect. Planning for a solution includes deciding who does what, with whom, under what conditions, at what time and in what place. These guidelines can make the plan for a solution very clear and simpler to follow. Sometimes the solution that looks good on paper may actually create problems or hold surprises. This is normal; the people involved have to pay attention to how the solution is working and be willing to make changes to the solution if needed. It may be necessary to modify the solution if it

5 isn t really working. Working towards a solution can actually bring conflicting people closer together if their goals are the same and they want to solve the problem. The people involved have to be willing to discuss how things are going. This is a way of evaluating their success. STAGES OF CONFLICT: Good news! It is possible to resolve conflict in relationships! Stage 1: Something s wrong Stage 2: The mole hill becomes a mountain Stage 3: The fight is on Stage 4: Raise the stakes or settle the issue Stage 5: On the way out Stage 6: It s over The Importance of Feelings in Conflict Each of us is a bit different in our view of ourselves and the world around us. Our individuality exists because we see the world, events around us and other people in unique ways. Therefore, the way we feel about what we see is also very personal. In relationships, partners can feel differently about the same situation or issue. These feelings will play a major role in the way a conflict is handled. In addition to this, the feelings of each partner in a relationship can change. This change of feelings can come from a new experience. Imagine a child who feels comfortable and safe playing in a grass field until, one day, a surprise hail storm strike s and the child runs home wet and scared. After that experience, the child may never feel quite as safe in the field. Just as feelings change with sudden incidents such as a hail storm, one s feelings can also change over a period of time. For example as we grow older, our feelings about many things shift and change. These changes may not seem as dramatic but they still have a significant impact on person s relationships. 6. What are the five stages of conflict? Feelings and Actions A person s feelings can affect the actions that person chooses to take. In fact, the feelings about one situation even an affect how a person reacts to another totally unrelated event. Our feelings can complicate the actions and reactions we have when we are handling conflict. While it is important to

6 recognize that our personal feelings are acceptable, the real issue is what we choose to do in response to our feelings. We decide what actions we will take. While one decision can lead to an improvement in a situation, another decision may make the situation worse. Impulse or Reflection People can choose to act on impulse or to reflect on the consequences prior to their actions. To act on impulse is to take the first action that enters our mind in response to a feeling. Reflection means that, prior to choosing a plan of action, we consider the consequences of each potential act. Sometimes only a few seconds are available for reflection while, at other times, we can take more time to think about the best course of action. Reflection usually results in better decisions because there is time to consider more options. One way to act responsibly, in a caring and considerate way, is to reflect ton choices before acting to deal with a conflict. To reflect we need to stop and think for a moment and ask ourselves: What do I want to do? What are my options? What is best to do? Time for reflection is one way to balance the powerful effect of our emotions with the decision making skills we have so that a conflict can be resolved in the best way possible. 7. Discuss an incident where you and a friend/family member felt differently about an identical situation. Part 2: And They Lived Happily Ever After Using your notes and your brainpower, write a short story/fairytale/drama/etc. where a conflict is worked out in an appropriate fashion and the individuals lived happily ever after. The point of this assignment is to see that you understand the essential steps of working out a conflict so make sure that these steps are explicitly set out in your story. Like a proper story/fairytale/drama, your story must be illustrated with colorful, appropriate drawings. Evaluation: Clearly shows/describes/depicts the steps to handle a conflict /25 Illustrated /10 Creativity /5

7 Part 3: I Statements Task: An I statement is a statement of your feelings that does not blame or judge the other person. The statement starts with I feel, I want, I m upset because. Change the following you statements to I statements. You Statements You never call me when I ask you to! I Statements Will you turn down your stereo? I can t hear myself think! Will you clean your room? I ve asked you to do it five times! You are so annoying when you tease me! Why don t you grow up and stop acting like a baby?! Will you stop interrupting me? You can t play basketball, you stink! Go play on another team. It s your fault I got in trouble! Why did you have to tell on me? You always ignore me when your other friends are around! You never let me do anything! You don t you do your own homework and stop copying mine?! You are so moody sometimes! You never told us the assignment was due today! That s not fair!