How to Repair Damaged Professional Relationships

Transcription

1 How to Repair Damaged Professional Relationships Contents at a Glance: How to recognize damage in your professional relationships How to identify the cause of the damage 6 steps to repair damage (and prevent it from happening in the future) About the Author, Chrissy Scivicque Chrissy Scivicque (pronounced Civic ) is the founder of EatYourCareer.com, a popular website and coaching/consulting company dedicated to professional development and career advancement. As a Certified Professional Career Manager (PCM) and corporate consultant, Chrissy works with both individuals and teams, providing training, education and coaching to help elevate workplace performance and increase career satisfaction. Chrissy has worked with some of the worldʼs most recognized companies, including Northrop Grumman, Capital One, W.W. Grainger, TIAA-CREF, Turner Broadcasting, Eastman Chemical, and more. Chrissy currently contributes career-related articles to U.S. News & World Report and Forbes.com, and her work is featured on other popular sites including Monster.com and CareerBuilder. She lives in Denver, CO and is regularly featured as the Career Expert on Fox 31 Denverʼs morning show, Good Day Colorado. See recent segments by visiting About EatYourCareer.com Founded in 2009, Eat Your Career (a division of CCS Ventures, LLC) is a coaching and consulting company dedicated to professional development and career advancement. We offer a variety of services for private individuals and corporate clients. Based out of Denver, CO, we are available for work both locally and globally. We believe work can be a delicious, nourishing experience and we love helping professionals figure out what that means for them and how to achieve it. The idea for Eat Your Career came about when our founder, Chrissy Scivicque, a certified nutritionist and natural born foodie, realized that career advice and nutrition advice arenʼt all that different. Depending on your habits and choices, you can create a nourishing, satisfying experience or you can find yourself hungry and unfulfilled. Learn more by visiting

2 How do you know if you have damaged professional relationships? Well, there are several warning signs: What Are the Signs of a Damaged Relationship? Lack of trust Lack of respect Conflict (arguing, bickering, disagreement) Miscommunication Lack of productivity Lack of teamwork Irritation and frustration Passive aggressive behavior What Causes Damage? Damage occurs for a number of different reasons. Here are a few of the most common: Broken promises Lies Gossip Inequality How to Fix a Damaged Relationship There are six key steps to repair a damaged relationship. In the following pages, weʼll review each step in detail. 1. Acknowledge it. 2. Visualize the alternative. 3. Communicate. 4. Get a commitment. 5. Be consistent. 6. Be proactive.

3 Step 1: Acknowledge It How to Repair Damaged Professional Relationships You canʼt simply ignore the problem and expect it to go away. Pretending everything is just fine is a very passive, unproductive way of dealing with it (or NOT dealing with it, I should say.) The longer you ignore relationship issues, the worse they tend to get and the harder they are to resolve. Donʼt put it off any longer. Now is the time to look the problem square in the eye. What caused the damage? Whatʼs really going on here? Did a specific situation cause this problem? Perhaps it happened so long ago you canʼt even remember what it was. If thatʼs the case, try to remember the point in time when things started to change. Identify as best you can what triggered the issues youʼre experiencing. What was/is your role? Did you do something or fail to do something? Have you perpetuated the situation in any way perhaps by engaging in passive aggressive behavior? What part did you play in getting things to this point? While it can be hard to honestly confront your own responsibility, this is an essential part of the process. What have the consequences been? What is the cost to you, personally and professionally? Have you felt uncomfortable or stressed out? Have you or your team experienced decreased productivity? Itʼs important to acknowledge the true destruction being caused by this relationship. What are the future consequences? Is it possible that this damaged relationship will harm your future professional opportunities? What will happen if the problem isnʼt resolved? What will the cost be to you and your career?

4 Step 2: Visualize the Alternative After youʼve acknowledge the damage and gone through all of the questions above, itʼs time to create a vision for the future. How would you like this relationship to be in the future? Remember, this is a professional relationship, not a friendship. You donʼt have to be friends, but you can be friendly. A working relationship should be polite, civil and productive. You should be able to WORK together and actually get things done. Take some time to clearly define what you want from the relationship. What will be different if and when this relationship improves? What are you willing to compromise? Most relationships require a little compromise on EACH side. A few years ago, I had two co-workers who hated each other because one of them took a certain cubicle that the other one wanted. Perhaps one of them could have been willing to compromise their cubicle preference for the good of the relationship and of the team. But believe it or not, I never saw that relationship get repaired and it would have been so easy! In most cases, a small amount of compromise goes a long way. What are you UN-willing to compromise? Certainly there will be some things that are too important to let go of. Thatʼs only fair. Itʼs important to know up front what those things are. What will be the effect of a better relationship? What impact will it have on your daily life? What impact will it have on your work? Will you feel less stressed, more comfortable and more confident? Will you get more done? Clearly define the outcome you want to see.

5 Step 3: Communicate How to Repair Damaged Professional Relationships Once you have the vision for the future relationship you want, itʼs time to communicate that vision calmly and honestly with the other person. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you do so: Private and In-Person These conversations should take place in private so both parties can speak freely. If possible, make it a face-to-face conversation. Phone, , IM and text are not the most productive means of facilitating a difficult conversation. Thereʼs too much chance that your words could be misinterpreted. One-on-One You donʼt want to gang up on the other person. If you feel like you need support or mediation from another individual, thatʼs fine. But try to do it one-on-one first if at all possible. This will usually lead to a less defensive, more comfortable conversation. Schedule It To make sure that the conversation actually happens (and doesnʼt get pushed to the side), ask for a meeting to be scheduled. When itʼs an appointment on the calendar, itʼs much more likely to happen. And remember: The topic of your conversation shouldnʼt be a secret. Youʼre not trying to catch the person off guard here. So tell them the reason you want to meet. Use something simple and kind of generic like, Iʼd like to discuss ways to make our working relationship more productive for both of us. Minimize Emotion As best you can, remove the emotion from the discussion. Donʼt get personal. Instead, focus on the productivity of the team and your desire to make your work together more effective. I find that one helpful way of keeping emotion from coming out too strongly is to simply prepare well. Practice what you want to say. The more confident you feel in what you

6 have to say, and the more clear you are about what you want to achieve, the less likely emotions are to get the better of you. Confront Reality Remember everything you acknowledged about the reality of the situation in Step 1, and bring it to the surface what caused the damage, your role in the situation, the impact itʼs having on your work and the work of the team. Then, explain why you want things to be different. Listen Remember this is a two-way street. Hear what the other person is feeling and what they need to say. This isnʼt all about YOU. Itʼs a dialogue, not a monologue. Active Listening Skills Restate what the person said. Verify that you heard correctly and truly understand. Get clarification if needed. Ask questions! Summarize what was heard. Use eye contact, nod, and take notes. Apologize and Forgive I know itʼs hard, but I want you to do two things: apologize and forgive. Take responsibility for your part in the situation and for your own shortcomings. No excuses, no shifting the blame; just a straightforward, heart-felt apology. Even if you donʼt really feel it at first. Itʼs just one simple sentence. The words Iʼm Sorry go a LONG WAY. Itʼs worth it, even if it causes a momentary blow to your ego. And forgive the other person for their part. This is a matter of releasing the grudge, moving on and being willing to grow. Holding on to the past harms you much more than it harms the other person. Tell the person that you forgive them and that youʼre willing to move on and that you want them to come with you.

7 Step 4: Get a Commitment How to Repair Damaged Professional Relationships Focus on your common goals. Create an alliance with the person. Recognize that youʼre both on the same side here. More than likely, you both want the same things a comfortable working environment and professional success to name a few. Youʼre in this together. Make sure you both see the vision for the future of your relationship and that you agree on what you want. Establish action items. Identify some specific actions that will change this relationship. What are you each committed to doing to improve the relationship? What are you each committed to NOT doing? Make an agreement. Create a verbal contract. Emphasize the value of this promise youʼre both making. This isnʼt about simply saying youʼre going to do something. You both have to follow through in order for it to work. Step 5: Be Consistent Consistency is the key to success. Remember that actions speak louder than words. You can talk about this stuff all day but if you donʼt change the way you interact with one another, itʼs all a waste of time. Donʼt fall into old, negative patterns. Itʼs so easy to have a great conversation and make an agreement and then go right back to your comfortable OLD way of doing things. Build in a structure for how you will prevent this and handle it if it does occur. If you arenʼt following through on your commitments, how do you want this person to address it with you? And vice versa: If THEY donʼt follow through, how will YOU address it? Talk about this up front so you have an action plan. Give it time.

8 Remember that this is a process of rebuilding trust and redesigning the relationship, so it can take a while. Donʼt expect everything to change overnight. But, if both people are willing to make an effort, things will gradually improve. Step 6: Be Proactive Donʼt just let your professional relationships take shape on their own. Donʼt wait until problems come up to address these things. Be proactive about developing strong relationships early on. Establish the rules. Remember that people canʼt read your mind and likewise, you are not a mind reader. You have to establish the rules of the relationship in real terms. Itʼs important to be intentional and upfront in how you do this. Set clear boundaries. Additionally, you also need to define your boundaries in clear, understandable terms. As an adult, you have to set limits for yourself. Remember, if you let others set your limits, you wonʼt like where they end up. You, and you alone, are responsible for establishing your limits and communicating them. You canʼt blame others for pushing you past your limits if you havenʼt been clear up front. Understand your preferences. I encourage you to define your relationship preferences. For example, how do you want to deal with conflict? How do you like to communicate do you prefer or in-person conversations? How do you want to be treated? What quirks do you have that you want the other person to respect? Itʼs your responsibility to know what you want and need from the relationship and to express it clearly. Otherwise, how can you expect others to provide you with what you need?

9 What to Know More? How to Repair Damaged Professional Relationships If youʼre ready to implement what youʼve just learned and gather even more powerful strategies to help you improve your professional relationships, Iʼd like to invite you to join the Building Positive & Powerful Professional Relationships 4-part training program Each session includes 50 minutes of training and a 10-minute Q&A so you can get your specific questions answered. You will receive handouts with notes, additional information, resources and exercises for each session Donʼt worry if you canʼt make it to the live sessions. Iʼll send you a link to access the recorded version of the session within 24 hours of the presentation. Plus, youʼll also get a downloadable MP3 audio-only recording to listen to from your computer or ipod at your convenience. Youʼll also receive a PDF copy of the PowerPoint slides for each session so you can follow along, make notes and refer to them later. Every attendee will receive a Certificate of Attendance upon completion of the program (to submit to your professional association for continuing education credits or share with your employer)

10 Session 1: The Art of Intentional Relationship Design Learn to create strong alliances through thoughtful, structured communication techniques. Learn to politely and diplomatically express what you need from the relationship without fear. Learn to listen for (and respond to) the needs of others, without sacrificing your own integrity. Session 2: Networking With Ease Learn how to create authentic relationships comfortably and within a matter of seconds. Learn how to follow up appropriately without seeming pushy or needy. Learn how online networking is different from in-person and how to use online strategies to boost your career. Session 3: Managing Conflicts Comfortably Learn to effectively manage disagreements and differing points-of-view with superiors, subordinates, co-workers and clients alike. Learn how to proactively and respectfully set limits to prevent conflict from erupting. Learn how to effectively communicate (i.e., listen and be heard) during times of conflict. Learn how to assertively stand up for yourself without making others angry or resentful. Session 4: Strengthening Bonds & Leveraging Relationships Learn how to be friendly and authentic in the workplace, without being overly personal. Learn how to build immediate trust with new colleagues (whether above, below or beside you in the organization). Learn the one simple trick to improve any professional relationship over night. Learn how to take advantage of professional relationships without looking like youʼre taking advantage. Learn More & Sign Up