Giving Feedback and Helping People Learn Everyone has blind spots about their behaviours. Giving honest coaching feedback to clients is an important component of the work you do. Whilst giving praise and celebrating achievements is an integral part of the feedback process, this section focuses on seeking and giving feedback in more sensitive situations when, for example, an employee or coaching client is: Unaware of blind spots Wanting to increase their awareness of how others perceive them Not following through on agreed actions Demonstrating reluctance to change or appears stuck in old behaviour patterns Not moving forward with a goal that has been identified Not engaging fully with the coaching opportunity Wants tools, structures and ideas for giving sensitive coaching feedback to others in the workplace. Every situation requiring sensitive feedback is different and the coach needs to have a repertoire of tools and strategies for identifying and giving feedback as well as high emotional intelligence. Giving feedback that is honest, timely and useful whilst retaining a person s self-esteem becomes an important balancing act in the feedback process. An overarching process for seeking and giving feedback, however, could be summarised as follows: 1. Clarify the goal 2. Collate accurate data on the client in relation to the goal 3. Plan and prepare for the best way to give courageous/heartfelt feedback. This includes requesting permission to give feedback 4. Provide FAST feedback (Fast, Accurate, Straightforward and Timely) 5. Be silent then practice reflective listening and get their perspective on the situation 6. Take responsibility, focus on the solution and acknowledge progress. These six points are expanded on the pages following. Firstly, however, it is important to note that giving sensitive feedback is not simply about technique. It often requires the coach not only to do things differently in the coaching process but also to be different and think differently.
The coach needs to BE MORE concerned with Substance Speaking with openness and candour Coaching the client to take bold and unreasonable action Empathising Expecting the best Building esteem, correcting behaviours and stretching performance Being courageous, compassionate and relentless Enhancing the client s self-awareness through examining the perspective of others Providing feedback that will produce breakthroughs in results Stimulating robust conversations Being a keen observer, eg. of body language, underlying assumptions and values, emotions Acknowledging increased self-awareness of the client and celebrating progress Being different on different occasions eg tough, compassionate, serious, crazy, creative, soft, loud The coach needs to BE LESS concerned with Style Political correctness Reasonableness Sympathising Settling for ordinary outcomes Remonstrating the client for under performance Avoiding the sensitive conversations Limiting the coaching experience to the singular perspective of the client Simply being heard Having polite conversations Only listening to the words of the client Accepting the status quo and providing undeserved praise Being predictable Giving sensitive feedback that ultimately transforms results often requires a transformation of your coaching style. It s about helping your clients to see exactly who they are as well as what they are capable of achieving. Let s expand on the 6 steps cited on the previous page. Clarify 1. Clarify the goal Remind yourself of the broader goal/s that the client (if you are an external coach) or your organisation/team (if you are an internal manager-as-coach) wants to achieve then consider the goal that you want to achieve in the feedback process. For instance, perhaps the client s goal relates to improving his organisational ability. You ve noticed that he continues to arrive late to coaching appointments, despite the fact that you have previously
emphasised the importance of arriving on time in order to maximise the coaching opportunity. Your polite feedback to date has fallen on deaf ears. The goal of your conversation with him therefore is to: Increase the client s awareness and responsibility for arriving on time to (coaching) appointments. Collate 2. Collate data in relation to the goal Depending on the goals of the client, there is often a need to examine a wide range of perspectives on the client s behaviour and their impact on others. For instance, if the client s goal is to build better relationships at work in order to contribute to effective leadership style, the following strategies could be used to collect data: Use commercially available 360 0 feedback tools such as LSI (Human Synergistics) as well as self-reflection tools such as DiSC, Team Management Systems profile or Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Have the client seek direct feedback from a range of stakeholders via a set of pre-determined questions. (For more objective feedback you can suggest that independent interviewers are used, such as yourself, for this process.) For instance, 3 excellent questions that can be used for gaining feedback on leadership style are: - What are 3 things that I do as a leader that help you to do your job well? - What are 3 things that I do as a leader that hinder you from doing your job as well as you would like? - What could I do more of / less of / or differently to be a better leader for (a) you and (b) for the team? Offer to observe the client in action, eg. conducting meetings, interviews. Prior to the observation periods, collaboratively agree on the key aspects that you will observe for feedback purposes. (If coaching time/resources are limited, the client could otherwise video particular interactions with the permission of those involved.) Ask the client to keep a log of activities then classify those activities in a relevant manner pertinent to the goal, eg. What worked well? What did not work well? Include positive and negative reactions from others, etc. Use the coaching sessions to observe the client and collate data on observed behaviours, emotional responses, underlying attitudes, thinking patterns and habits, etc.
Plan 3. Plan and prepare for giving feedback Developing the message you want to communicate in the feedback process helps to diffuse feelings and manage emotions and ensure that you are able to deliver the message in a succinct, purposeful and appropriate manner. You can test the appropriateness of the message by asking yourself these questions: Is it a persistent concern that relates to the results the client needs to achieve? Have I built a trusting relationship that will enable me to maintain engagement in the coaching process? Am I the right person to deliver this feedback and is the timing and location appropriate? Have I selected the right vocabulary to express this message? We strongly recommend that wherever possible you actually rehearse the feedback you are planning to give. The trick is to alternate between being assertive and practicing reflective listening. Once you have planned what you intend to say and you are with the client, always set the context and ask permission to give the feedback. For instance you might begin by saying something like: I have something I need to share with you today in light of this goal we are working on. Are you agreeable (or open) to receiving some feedback? Feedback 4. Provide FAST feedback Providing FAST feedback is not about speaking quickly. It is about providing feedback in a FAST (be succinct and do it as soon as possible), Accurate, Straightforward and Timely manner. Do not begin the interaction with small talk; get to the issue quickly. Following on from the example above, the conversation might continue: We both know you want to improve your organisational skills. When you arrive late for our coaching sessions, the way you have arrived up to 15 minutes late for the last 3 sessions, I imagine that you re not really committed to achieving this goal. That s making me feel perplexed.
Listen 5. Be silent and then practice reflective listening After communicating your brief message, you can either remain silent or pose a question that will encourage an open response, such as: How do you see that? Or What s that about? (Avoid asking Why? as that question automatically begs justification and encourages a defensive response. Of course, some degree of defensiveness is normal and should be anticipated but do not allow that defensiveness to divert you from the outcome you are trying to achieve.) The important point here is to let the person respond without interrupting. Sometimes, if you can allow a sufficiently lengthy silence, the client will not only take responsibility for the matter but will also suggest a solution. After the client has had plenty of time to respond, your role is to seek first to understand, then to be understood. Practice reflective listening and, where required, empathise. I understand that you have many other demands on your time. It must be difficult to juggle so many priorities. The defensive-reducing impact of reflective listening is powerful indeed. Not only does it allow you to continue to build the relationship (even during such potentially strained circumstances), it also brings issues out into the open so that either: You can see more clearly where the person is coming from and perhaps adjust the overall goal or be able to make suggestions about how they might handle it differently, or The person can see the issue for what it is and take responsibility for changing, or You can switch from assertive mode to collaborative solution mode, particularly if there is some conflict around best solutions options. If the client chooses to remain defensive or even become aggressive about others or towards you, then reflective listening becomes more important than ever. Be careful not to be distracted by outside issues that might be raised in defense.
You have no idea how much I have on my plate. I bet I d be twice as busy as any of your other clients. You certainly do have a lot on your plate. I haven t been late to these sessions on purpose you know. There s just so much to do. I appreciate that you have many responsibilities. Focus 6. Help the client to take responsibility, focus on the solution and acknowledge progress By planning your message well and practicing effective reflective listening the client will most often take ownership of the issue. However, if you are continuing to struggle with increasing the self-awareness or responsibility of the person involved, you may need to reassert yourself, usually by restating the goal and asking questions that inspire ownership. For instance, read the conversation which follows on again from that described above: At what point in time did you decide to arrive late for today s appointment? I didn t decide; I was just running late getting a document to the CFO so I had to do that before I could get to this office to see you. I appreciate how important it is to get things done on time for your CFO. I m wondering if arriving late to appointments reflects a pattern for you? Are there other appointments where you arrive late? Well, just a few. But that s the problem; I m juggling too much without enough time. Knowing that you want to improve your organisation ability, how important is arriving on time for appointments to you? It s very important. I m going to look as disorganised as I feel if I keep arriving late to things and getting things in late to people.
Using the GROWTH Coaching Model Once the client is willing to take some responsibility for the feedback issue, you are both in a good position to focus on a solution. Think about applying the GROWTH model from a different perspective. The Goal is the overarching goal of your client as well as your feedback goal as described in Step 1. Current Reality has been explored and responsibility for taking action has been confirmed in Steps 2 through to 5 and now you are both ready to consider Options for achieving the goal. Focusing on specific examples and points in time can facilitate purposeful solution creation: Well let s take today s coaching appointment as an example. You said that you were running late because you had a report to complete. What could we do in future (ie. what are the Options) so that you will arrive on time to appointments like this? (OPTIONS) I need to plan my day better. I have to prioritise my to do list that we ve been working on better. And I really have to say No more. They all seem like good options. You ve also mentioned to me before the need to delegate some of your work. Out of all those options, what will you do to ensure that you arrive on time to your next coaching appointment? (WILL)
Well, if I had been better organised, I would have delegated that report to Jack. How about I get really determined on prioritising that to do list and delegate as many things as I can at the end of the list so I ve got more time to do the most important things at the top of the list? My coaching appointment will be one of those things on the top of the list. Sounds like a great idea. So help me picture when and how you will make this list happen as well as the delegation of some of it to others? (TACTICS) I ll work on the list on Friday afternoons so that by Monday morning in our team meeting, I m ready to delegate. It sounds like a great plan. You have, however, talked to me about your to do list and delegating before and you ve let something slip. What can we do to ensure you really stick to this and arrive on time to your important appointments during the next 2 weeks, including your coaching session? (HABITS) How about I get my PA to check that I ve done my To do list each Friday afternoon and if I haven t, it means I miss having a drink with the team after work? It s one of the highlights of the week for all of us so I wouldn t want to miss that. I ll also get Jack to keep me honest in delegating more things during those Monday morning meetings. He s often looking for greater responsibilities so I just need to let go more. He s a capable bloke. There are two causes for all misunderstandings: not saying what we mean, and not doing what we say. Angeles Arrien
Framing Feedback There are other ways to frame feedback that will help to ensure that your feedback message is clearly articulated and received. In conjunction with applying patterns or structures for expressing the feedback, the coach needs to retain a conversational style that will add to the sincerity and authenticity of the message allowing the message to be received in an emotionally effective manner. Regularly and naturally using the person s name throughout the conversation demonstrates a degree of respect for the person, helping to keep their self-esteem in tact. Here are some other feedback structures that may be helpful: 1 When you I imagine That makes me feel 2 When you I feel Because How do you see it? What can we do about that? 3 Your goal is To help you achieve that, my goal is What I ve seen is The impact of that is The consequences could be 4 How would you rate your job success now on a scale of 1-10? Let s look at how others are rating you What s that difference about? 5 Here are your strengths as I see them now This is what I think you re capable of achieving One thing that could make a real difference for you is
Managing Emotions in the Feedback Process Self-management is an important component of emotional intelligence. Before you can expect other people to manage their emotions during the feedback process, you need to be regulating your own. Consider these strategies for managing your emotions: Be aware of your emotions, including any nervous feelings before meeting with the person Practice breathing slowly before and during the meeting Plan and prepare for giving your feedback. (Putting the key components of your message in writing, for instance, can clarify your thinking as well as diffuse emotions.) Proactively prepare for how the client might respond and plan for the best way of managing their response Stay focused on how you want to contribute to the achievements of the staff member Call on memories of past success to trigger the necessary confidence for the task at hand If the person becomes defensive, remain in control and continue to practice reflective listening, respond appropriately and revisit the goal Rather than defending your stance, ask questions that help the coachee to take responsibility eg. What are the benefits of doing this differently? What are the costs if you continue to do things the same way? Consider these strategies for helping the other person to manage their emotions: Affirm the client s strengths and consider starting your feedback by positively affirming what s really possible, based on the person s existing strengths, talents and desire to learn and develop After giving the sensitive feedback, let them talk through their emotions. A typical cycle of response to sensitive news is: Shock Acceptance Denial Anger
Be prepared to give the client time to work through these emotions. (This is particularly relevant when providing 360 o feedback that contains confronting news.) Have resources on hand such as water (for a dry mouth) or tissues (for tears) Remind the other person that you are giving the feedback for reasons that will benefit them Remain in Adult mode in a way that will help the other person to respond in Adult mode. Transactional Analysis theory reminds us that all people transact in one of 3 modes. Parent-Adult-Child Avoid speaking in parent-critical or parent-nurturing mode. The parent-critical mode tends to evoke either an overly compliant or rebellious response from the client Parent Critical Nurturing Adult Child Adult Compliant Rebellious (Respectfully) report on facts and direct observation as far as practicable so that the client is less inclined to deny or blame others When giving feedback, focus on behaviours not personality Some people will respond to feedback by withdrawing. They may say nothing. Let the silence be. Eventually, you might need to confront the withdrawing behaviour with an observation such as: You seem to be withdrawing. What s that about? Once the other person has vented their frustrations and challenges, have a discussion about what they can control, focusing on and expanding what is in their circle of influence. The key is to put the other person in a helpful state of mind. As always, ensure that the selected options for action are realistic and doable Emphasise that changing behaviour is a choice - a choice that ultimately comes with additional benefits which should be identified by the other person, not the coach Remind the other person of previous breakthroughs they have experienced and how those breakthroughs have led to greater achievement and satisfaction
Refocus on new levels of aspiration that will inspire the coachee to make the necessary changes As a manager/coach, share some of your own vulnerabilities or a brief story of how difficult it was for you to receive feedback at some stage and what a positive difference it ultimately made. This is another way of empathising with the employee Thank and acknowledge the coachee for their efforts in hearing the feedback for what is being said and for their commitment to continuous improvement Now look at how this coaching conversation comes together GOAL I have something I want to share with you today in light of this goal we are working on. Are you open to receiving some feedback? We both know you want to improve your organisational skills. When you arrive late for our coaching sessions, the way you have arrived up to 15 minutes late for the last 3 sessions, I imagine that you re not really GOAL committed to achieving this goal. I feel confused about how important that goal is to you. REALITY How do you see that? You have no idea how much I have on my plate. I bet I d be twice as busy as any of your other clients. You certainly do have a lot on your plate. I haven t been late to these sessions on purpose you know. There s just so much to do. I appreciate that you have many responsibilities At what point in time did you decide to arrive late for today s appointment? I didn t decide; I was just running late getting a document to the CFO so I had to do that before I could get to this office to see you. I appreciate how important it is to get things done on time for your CFO. I m wondering if arriving late to appointments reflects a pattern for you? Are there other appointments where you arrive late? Well, just a few. But that s the problem; I m juggling too much without enough time. Knowing that you want to improve your organisation ability, how important is arriving on time for appointments to you? It s very important. I m going to look as disorganised as I feel if I keep
HABITS TACTICS WILL OPTIONS Well let s take today s coaching appointment as an example. You said that you were running late because you had a report to complete. What could we do in future so that you will arrive on time to appointments like this? I need to plan my day better. I have to prioritise my to do list that we ve been working on. And I really have to say No more. They all seem like good options. You ve also mentioned to me before the need to delegate some of your work. Out of all those options, what will you do to ensure that you arrive on time to your next coaching appointment? Well, if I had been better organised, I would have delegated that report to Jack. How about I get really determined on prioritising that to do list and delegate as many things as I can at the end of the list so I ve got more time to do the most important things at the top of the list? My coaching appointment will be one of those things on the top of the list. Sounds like a great idea. So help me picture when and how you will make this list happen as well as the delegation of some of it to others? I ll work on the list on Friday afternoons so that by Monday morning in our team meeting, I m ready to delegate. It sounds like a great plan. You have, however, talked to me about your to do list and delegating before and you ve let something slip. What can we do to ensure you really stick to this and arrive on time to your important appointments during the next 2 weeks, including your coaching session? How about I get my PA to check that I ve done my To do list each Friday afternoon and if I haven t, it means I miss having a drink with the team after work? It s one of the highlights of the week for all of us so I wouldn t want to miss that. I ll also get Jack to keep me honest in delegating more things during those Monday morning meetings. He s often looking for greater responsibilities so I just need to let go more.. That sounds like it can work. So you are going to do this: Get your To Do list in shape on Fridays for the next week. You are going to get your PA to help you keep your commitment You are going to get Jack to be on your case about delegating tasks during the Monday meetings. That all looks good. Let s see how that has all worked next time we meet.