Active Listening Skills Minimal Encouragers And so go on- then: grunts, groans, nods of the head. Life or death listening Echoing Repeat back the last phrase/word used. Listen for and repeat back the energy word Listen...understand...influence Stating the Impression Listen to what is said and the tone of voice used. Then repeat back what you have been told referring not only to the words said but also to the implicit emotions. Turn questions into suggestions. For example: It sounds like that you have a bad time and you are feeling betrayed by what has happened. Summarising Summarise what you have been told and then follow up with a question based on what you have been told. Remember summaries can be used as introductions and to control the conversation. Mirroring/Pacing Subtly adopt the same position as the person you re dealing with. Match their energy. Match the verb tenses when summarising Posture and Demeanour Adopt the listening position> Sit forward with your hands open. Think important telephone call. Move from level 1 to level 2 Non-Judgemental Language It sounds like I feel as if It appears to me that I sense that I get the impression It sounds as though call: 07785 951121 email: info@mullenders.org website: www.mullenders.org
Preparation and planning for negotiation Individually What s my intended outcome? What s their desired outcome? What s the history between us? What are their values and beliefs? What are their fears? Who are their friends? How do they see themselves? How do they see me? What are their needs? Who are their influencers? What personality type am I dealing with? How are they likely to react? Are they upset with me? How can we build better rapport? Have they made any demands or deadlines that I need to consider? As a team How are we working as a team? Is ours the right team? Is our negotiating policy in line with company policy? Are there any key influencers we need to bring in? Do we owe them? Do they owe us? Have we upset them? How can we repair the damage? Have we rehearsed? What are our opening lines? What are the cultural considerations? Are we using/needing interpreters? What are the five dumbest things we can say? 1
Active listening skills (ALS) Minimal encouragers And, so, go on, then, and after that, uh-huh, umm, oh. Nods of the head. Echoing Repeat back the last phrase/word used. Listen for, and repeat back the energy word. State your impression Listen to what s being said and the tone of voice the speaker is using. Then repeat back what you ve heard, using their words. But offer an interpretation of the emotion that you think might lie behind what they ve said. You can do this by turning questions into suggestions. For example: It sounds to me like you ve had a bad time and feel betrayed. Use non-judgemental language It sounds like... I feel as if... It appears to me that... I sense that... I get the impression that... It sounds as though... Summarising Summarise what you ve been told, taking care to match the verb tenses the speaker has used. Then follow up with a question based on what you ve learnt. You can use summaries as introductions and also to control the conversation, chair meetings and write notes. Mirroring/pacing Match their energy. Match their verb tenses. Posture and attitude Adopt the listening position: sit forward with your hands open, and position yourself at ten to two in relation to your subject. 2
Language codes The ability to identify language codes is a key active listening skill. To establish rapid rapport, use the same language as the person you re listening to - however brief a turn you choose to take in the conversation. Factual So what we have here is... Feelings and emotions I m really worried about climate change... Wants and needs I m determined to get this job because... Hopes and expectations If I get this job then I can get exactly... Chit chat This is just you and me chatting. Different listening modes Combative Looking for a fight, or you don t like the person. Directed listening Only interested in hearing agreement, or what we want to hear. Passive listening Hearing without listening because we ve already assumed that we know the precise meaning of what s being said. Sentimental listening Imagining we re listening with compassion, but in reality attributing our own sentiments to the speaker. Autobiographical listening We listen to another person in our own mindset our unique view of the world. Because of this, as we listen we: Evaluate - check against our beliefs. Probe - make sense within our paradigm Now I know what you re talking about. Advise - from our point of view. 3
What to listen for Descriptive words Urgent, bad, important. Imperatives Should, must, ought to, got to. Drivers Need, want, determined. Modifiers It s all ok, really, quite, pretty. Language codes Factual, emotional. Tone of voice Shrill, urgent, calm, angry, sad, frustrated. Vague or FOG language My life is a mess. Things are getting on top of me. I ve lost everything. Absolutes It s obvious, anyone can see that, everyone knows that. Ambiguity We re aiming to have it done by... We intend to... I ll try to ensure... Our normal fee is... Clarity of language is everything. Any word that you would echo is important and warrants investigation. 4
Listen up Listen carefully to what they have to say. Interpret what s been said. State your impression. Test your interpretation. Evaluate their response and Note what they ve said. Understand their needs and Progress The rules of conversation My turn, your turn. Once engaged in conversation, you re obliged to continue. Be careful how you draw the conversation to a close and take your leave, otherwise you can cause offence. 5
Types of questions Open These four requests demand more than a one-word answer: 1. Tell me... 2. Explain to me... 3. Describe to me... 4. Show me... You can follow any of the four requests above, with precisely, in detail, or exactly e.g. Describe to me precisely... These follow-up prompts demand more detail. Probing Who, what, why, where, when and how? Question hierarchy open probing closed specific Closed Avoid asking these questions as you re likely to receive a one-word answer. For example, Are you worried about printer costs? Closed specific These questions demand a specific one-word answer. For example, Who did you buy that from? Leading These encourage the person to go where you want them to go: You d really like to give the project the go ahead now if the budget was approved? Did he hit you with his left or his right hand? Alternative These give the person a choice, or at least appear to: Which of these two cars do you see yourself driving? Rhetorical These are questions that demand no answer because you answer them yourself. Tag These questions encourage agreement, don t they? 6
Enquiring questions Why is that so important to you? Active listening skills Why does that mean so much to you? Active listening skills Why does that matter so much to you? Active listening skills The gap you leave between these questions can be of any length but it s important there is a gap. As they give their answers, pick a word or phrase that they use to explain their reasoning. Then use it as the lead for your next question. Rhetorical questions for your salesforce What does our product add? What problems does it solve? What are the customer s alternatives? What advantages does our product offer over the competition? How will it make or save our clients money? How do our backgrounds/insider knowledge help sell our product range? How much are we charging? Can we, or should we charge less? What hope are we selling? What are the benefits? What are the potential losses? How easy is it to buy? 7
Powerful language Pre-suppose success Replace if with when : When are you going to do your homework, before or after supper? Of all the solutions we ve put forward, which do you think will work best? Use the conditional What might be the best way of dealing with that right now? How else might we do it? This and that Replace this with that. By using the word that, you externalise the problem and make it the third person at the table. Rhetoric The power of three: find three ways of saying the same thing by using different words. We are going to adapt, we are going to move forward and we are going to change. You can also emphasise something s importance by repeating it three times: I shall tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Or you can describe someone, or something in three different ways: This product is beautiful to look at, essential and versatile. Inclusivity We, us, ours, together, our team, this group. 14 most powerfully persuasive words Discovery Easy Free Guarantee Health Love Money New Profit Proven Results Safety Save Last but not least... You 8
Values, beliefs and currencies Ask yourself, Who was my best boss and why? Your answers will reveal a lot about your values, beliefs and currencies. Responsibility S/he took responsibility for her/his actions - didn t micromanage - left me to my own devices/gave me freedom - didn t ridicule me or laugh at my ideas. Parameters S/he gave advice and guidance - set firm goals/knew where they were going - gave both praise and discipline - was there when I needed them - gave strong direction. Recognition S/he recognised my talents - saw something in me - was friendly and made me feel valued - understood small needs of staff. Fairness S/he was impartial/encouraged the whole team - stood up for us - was kind to everyone. Respect S/he valued our expertise - treated me as an equal - was cleverer than me - kept their word. Team player S/he encouraged the team - was good fun/had a sense of humour - was genuinely friendly. Innovation/risk /variety S/he took calculated risks - encouraged new ideas - allowed me to think for myself. 9
Social rules Trust The most important rule of them all! Without trust there is nothing. Reciprocity You do me favour then I owe you a favour. Build obligation before asking for a return favour. Taking the moral high ground Why are you being rude? What have I done to hurt you? Always acknowledge before you give your opinion I can see how that might appear and you ve a really good point, however/although/ and Your word Make it difficult for the person to renege by making them give their word. This is really important to me and I trust you, however I want your word you ll be there. Hostility attracts hostility, submission attracts dominance and warmth attracts warmth If you meet anger with anger you get anger. If you give in too easily the person will dominate you. (See Taking the moral high ground.) If you re warm to someone you get warmth back. The power of a sorry Never justify what you ve done. If you ve made a mistake just say so and leave it at that. Embarrassment Never make the person feel embarrassed or lose their dignity. Even if you get your own way this time, they will never forget and are unlikely to forgive. Social proof People like to be like other people. They feel comfortable with people who they believe look, sound and behave as they do. 10
Communication and briefing models Salt - When they want to see us Significance Uncover what s important about their story. Ask What they think their options are? Listen Carefully and agree the best option for the organisation and them. Time Set a time limit and agree a method of monitoring. Purpose Why do I want to talk to them? Explanation Obtain their explanation. Praise Find something to praise them for. Point out The needs of the organisation. Enquire What they intend to do about it? Pepper - When we want to see them Reach An agreement on the time and method of monitoring. Briefing and report writing Situation and aim What s the history? What are we trying to do or where do we want to be? Factors What do we need to consider - economic, environmental, ethical, legal, political, safety, social, technical. Choices and options List all the choices, showing your thought processes. Idnetify your preferred option and why. Monitoring Describe your monitoring process and method. 11