According to leadership expert and author Jim Maxwell : Everyone Communicates, Very Few Connect. Communication Vs. Connection A look at How Communication Skills May Not Be Enough and an exploration of What May be the Missing Link. And A Discussion on the Application of Coaching Written by: Charlene Christensen, Christensen Coaching 1
Connection When you reflect on your life, what would you say has made your life the most meaningful and memorable? For most of you, you would respond by saying that there has been a significant and memorable relationship or there has been a special person who has had a great impact on you in your life. My question is: What was it about this relationship or person that had such a powerful impact on your life? My guess is that you felt a strong connection with the person or the relationship. There was something about that person or that relationship that you connected with at a deep level. It may be difficult to pinpoint exactly what it was that made the connection so powerful and yet you just know at a deep level within you that there was definitely something there. Some of the most impactful experiences of connection occur when someone focuses on you and attentively listens to what you have to say. They genuinely and sincerely try to understand what is said, from your point of view and they are able to hear the silent conversation, beneath the words you express. What a powerful experience it is when you feel understood. Listening for the purpose of understanding is a wonderful way to create a sense of connection with another person. In the book Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, John Maxwell says: You can connect with others if you are willing to get off your own agenda, to think about others, and to try to understand who they are and what they want. P.44 One of the best examples I have of this occurred 10 years ago. I went to visit John, the Superintendent of a School Division, without having an appointment. John was someone I knew on a casual basis and I wanted to talk with him about future employment opportunities with his division. His secretary wasn t there and as I walked to his office door, I could see him trying to do several things at once. He was clearly busy and when he saw me, I commented on the fact that he appeared very busy and if he preferred I could make an appointment with him at a later date. He said it was fine and said he could spare a few minutes. He put everything down, went over to the chair by me and he gave me 100% of his attention. I ended up staying longer than originally anticipated but through the entire conversation, he continued to focus on what I had to say and asked questions to gain further understanding. I walked away from that situation feeling a strong connection with him and, to this day, I am a loyal advocate and supporter of his. This was a powerful experience of a conversation with connection that had a life-time impact. Sometimes a feeling of connection with someone can occur without words and a silent and invisible force appears to be present. Because we have the potential to relate to people on many levels we are able to identify examples of those times...especially when we really pay attention. I discovered this type of connection when I was 10 years old and this connection with my grandfather had a significant impact on my life. I vividly remember sitting on the arm of his chair while he watched television. When I take a few minutes to recall those times, the memory is so 2
powerful, it feels like I am really there sitting next to him. Words were not often spoken as we sat together and yet, without words expressed between us, I felt the profound power of connection as I sat silently next to him. There are other situations when we can feel a connection when we have discover a common ground with someone. I believe we can all think of times when we have felt the awkwardness of meeting someone for the first time and in a short time we feel that the person is a great friend. Why is that? Often in those situations, we have found a common element whether it is a similar hobby or sport we enjoy, an interest that we share or it could possibly be that we both know the same person. Connection is truly a gift. Connecting with another person helps the person to connect with them-self. It allows someone to tap into their inner power, to recognize their strengths, and to see their true gifts. Having connection with someone also helps to build a sense of inner trust, to listen to their heart and helps them live by their values and honour what is truly important to them. When there is connection, there is flow, a greater ability to move through life s challenges instead of struggling and resisting. There is greater ease in one s life. Connection is fundamental for effective communication. What happens, however, when there is communication but the connection is absent? Communication Have you had the experience of communicating with someone and the words they used were well chosen, they were expressed in an appropriate manner and yet you felt little or no impact from that communication? I remember an incident where I was talking with Sam. He had called me in his office to talk with me about a few students he wanted me to touch base with. He smiled once in awhile, he was clear in his explanations. He listened to what I had to say. He was doing all the right things but why did I sit there feeling totally uninspired by what he was saying and why did I feel that although he listened, he really didn t hear what I said? We clearly lacked any connection with one another. He wanted me to do something which was his intent for the conversation and because I was the employee I was listening and responding because I knew I had to do it. This example was typical of the many of our interactions. 3
What could have been different? Had we taken the time and communicated for not only the purpose of the task at hand but to also connect with one another, my level of engagement would definitely have increased and a collegial feeling of team-work could have developed. There are many programs available that teach assertiveness skills, conflict resolution strategies, I messages, and basic skills in communication. These programs are great in that having communication skills is important. Learning communication from a skills perspective and approach is limiting in its effectiveness and can be detrimental in certain cases. Thirteen years ago I found myself in a situation at work where I felt bullied and felt like I was being taken advantage of by my boss. I desperately tried to set boundaries with her but I continued to fail miserably in this area. To enhance my communication skills, I enrolled in a course to specifically learn how to be more assertive. I was excited about practicing the assertiveness skills I was learning and I really believed that they were the answer to my communication problem with Cheryl. With a strong sense of confidence, a positive attitude and a purpose to clearly communicate and establish boundaries, I walked into her office. It wasn t very long into the conversation when I realized that I was completely out my league and as she became increasingly more aggressive, my feeling of confidence diminished very quickly. If you want to get your message across, you have to learn how to communicate in someone else s world. John Maxwell What went wrong? I had the necessary skills. That s all I needed, right? As it turned out the communication skills were not enough, the skills were only a part of what I needed. The missing element was that I had failed to make a connection with her. I was singlemindedly focussed on my agenda of setting boundaries; I didn t take the time to think about where she was coming from. If I would have done that I m confident that there would have been a different outcome. What happens when people communicate extremely well, are highly skilled but the expressed communication does not match with the demonstrated actions? What you are speaks so loudly, I can t hear what you say. Ralph Waldo Emerson Two years ago I worked for someone who was very upbeat, positive and who had great communication skills. Janey had strong values and was fundamentally a caring person. Despite this incredible repertoire of skills and traits she possessed, she affected intense negative feelings and a lack of genuine support from her staff became rampant. It hardly seems possible, doesn t it? How could someone with so much going for her create so much conflict, tension and unease with her staff members? When I first started to work for her I was extremely excited when she would talk of the vision of creating a school that upheld the values of respect and understanding for all. I bought into her passion and enthusiasm and I had such hope that this 4
was truly possible to create. But then over time I got discouraged by what I saw. Every time she asked someone to observe a fellow colleague and report back to her what they saw, I questioned how that was demonstrating respect. It seemed like spying. I felt very uncomfortable about the lack of respect in that. I watched as she told people she respected their opinion but then would chastise them when they had an opinion that differed to hers and would tell them they were not a team-player. I observed a gradual decline in genuine support for her ideas. Many people did what they had to do but with very little enthusiasm and buy-in. There became increasingly more occasions, when, as she talked about our school modelling respect for all I could see people roll their eyes and some maintained poker-face expressions. When she was not around, they expressed varying degrees of disgust and disillusionment. She clearly was exceptional in her communication from a skills perspective and her communication of passion and enthusiasm was extraordinary and there was a lot of inherent potential for motivating others. She failed to, however, align and connect her communication with her actions and because of that lack of congruency her ability to form a positive connection with her staff was significantly compromised. Communication without connection has the potential to create resentment, it encourages resistance, and it typically generates underlying feelings of disrespect. When people don t feel heard or understood it a lack of trust will often permeate the interaction or connection. When this continues and people don t feel supported, frequent misunderstandings are likely to occur. In some cases when there is communication without the connection, there is a lack of energy, little to no motivation is present, there is stagnation and people will shut down. Self- Application Let s look at how communication and connection with others relates to you. Everything we do, don t do, say, don t say is a form of communication. We can either be communicating with the intention of connecting with others or not. Are you aware of what you are communicating? Do you think that it would be important for you to improve your ability to connect with others? If making sincere and genuine connections with people is important in creating positive interactions and successful relationships, then why aren t we doing this all of the time? What stops us? There are many reasons for this. One of the reasons for this is that it isn t always easy to be a connector in communication: A lack of understanding of another person s culture, style or interests can create challenges in connecting with someone. And if the person is not very open it can create further difficulties in being able to develop an understanding. And even when we have some understanding of the person we are communicating with, we be unsure in how to relate to them. 5
One of the Dale Carnegie principles for effective communication and successful relationships is: Try honestly to see things from the other person s point of view. Notice he used the word try in the beginning of that principle. Why is that? He felt that the best you can do is try because it s impossible to know exactly how another feels or perceives things. Self-reflection: 1. How do you know when someone is trying to see your point of view? 2. What have you done to create a connection with someone? How have you communicated? 3. What does it feel like when you have a connection with someone? What does it feel like to be in a situation where you are communicating with another person and you haven t made a connection with each other? Part II: Coaching Application Connecting with others is like anything else in life: You have to be intentional about it. (John Maxwell) How does this relate to coaching? It is essential as a coach, to connect with your client. Communication needs to be purposeful in creating this connection. What are some things you can do to create genuine and sincere connections with your clients? One of the things you can do is to take time and connect with yourself, especially prior to a coaching session. Align with you by spending a few minutes in meditation or reflection. This will help you center and will bring positive energy to the session. It s critical that you understand you ; to know what your personality style is, to know your communication style, your values, etc... Discover more information about the person you are coaching....use a personality and a communication profiling tool to assess their personality and communication profile. Ask yourself, how you can effectively use this information to communicate with them. It s important to be very aware of the personality and communication styles that you find more challenging. You can explore what is going on for you. What is it about that person s style that triggers you? What are the opportunities here for learning? What does your client need from you, regarding communication? How can you connect with this client? 6
Be aware of the silent communication in your coaching sessions. What is the body language of the person telling you? What is your body language saying? What do you hear in the person s voice? What does your client hear in your voice? Pay attention to whether the body language, facial expressions and voice tone match what the client is saying. Also pay close attention that your body language, facial expressions and voice tone reflect what you are saying. Identify and understand what your client values by listening and asking questions of what s important to them. You may want them to complete a values identification checklist that asks them to prioritize the importance of their values. Be aware of the values that may conflict with your values. Make sure that what you say you are as coach matches the behaviours that you display. For example: If you say that you are a coach who values respect and responsibility then it is essential that you are respectful and responsible in your words and your actions. What happens when we have difficulty connecting with some of our clients? Reflect and ask what you could be doing differently. Try to put yourself in their shoes and ask if you were that person with the style, the values and the interests that they have, what would be important? What could you to do as a coach to connect with your client? If the coaching relationship continues to lack connection, then consider very seriously in terminating the coaching. This is the respectful and ethical thing to do. It allows the client to perhaps find a coach who is able to connect fully with them. Connecting to your client has many benefits. It helps to create a safe place, allows flow in the coaching session. By connecting with your client, it helps them to develop a greater connection with them-self. It assists in the change process by giving them a safe place to explore and entertain stepping out of their comfort zone to make the changes they need or want to. Connecting with your client models what connection looks and feels like which encourages them to make successful connections with others outside of the coaching relationship. 7