LISTEN UP! An Active Listening Guide for Helpers and Advocates

LISTEN UP! An Active Listening Guide for Helpers and Advocates

Active Listening Most of the materials in this PowerPoint are adapted from materials originally utilized by RESPONSE, Sexual Assault Support Services, Norfolk.

LISTEN L - Look Interested Get Interested I - Involve yourself by responding S - Stay on Target T - Test your Understanding E - Evaluate your message N - Neutralize your Feelings

What is GOOD LISTENING A very active, not passive activity More than just hearing someone s words or watching someone s body language Good listening means total involvement with the person who is speaking. Not just asking: What is this person saying? but asking: What is going on right here, right now, with this person?

What is EMPATHY? Empathy is responding in a way that shows that the helper has listened and that she understands how the client feels and what she is saying about herself. In some sense, the helper must see the client s world from the client s frame of reference, rather than from her own. It is not enough to understand, the helper must communicate that understanding. (Egan, 1975) Good listening means listening with empathy, caring and understanding. Empathy involves trying to put yourself in the speaker s house.

LISTENING Listening By Robert A. Hatcher, Georgia State University, May 24, 1974 When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I ask. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do just hear me. Advice is cheap: 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Bill Graham in the newspaper. I can do for myself. I am not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy. When you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what s behind this irrational feeling. And when that s clear, the answers are obvious and I don t need advice.

LISTENING TECHNIQUES Eye Contact Look naturally at the person you re talking to in a way that displays warmth and genuine interest. Eye contact helps the listener to pick up nonverbal clues. Pay attention to signs of discomfort from the other person (be sensitive to the fact that eye contact can be uncomfortable for someone who is shy). Combine eye contact with smiles and other non-verbal messages to encourage the speaker.

LISTENING TECHNIQUES (continued) Posture Maintain a relaxed posture Lean towards the other person without crowding. Paraphrase Repeating the other person s message, in similar but fewer words, tests the helper s understanding. Give the speaker opportunity to correct you if necessary. Means adding no new words or ideas to the person s message. If the paraphrased message is correct, the other person feels like the listener understands him/her. Helps the other person clarify thoughts and feelings. Adds direction to the conversation.

LISTENING TECHNIQUES (continued) Clarify Use clarification if the message from the speaker is unclear. Listener makes a guess, interprets or explains what s/he thinks the speaker is trying to say. Helper needs to acknowledge that s/he is confused or doesn t understand. Perception Check Listener checks to make sure clarification is correct by asking for feedback from the speaker. Corrects misperceptions before they become serious misunderstandings.

LISTENING TECHNIQUES (continued) Reflecting Feelings Brings vaguely expressed feelings into awareness and assists the speaker in owning his/her feelings. Subtle feelings often hide behind words. Listener should identify the feeling, describe it accurately, observe the effect of the reflection on the speaker, and judge whether the reflection has facilitated or obstructed communication. Even if the helper is not accurate, reflection can help the communication process speaker may correct the helper and state his/her true feelings. Helper should note nonverbal clues and feelings that may be expressed.

HELPFUL PHRASES Encouraging the Other Person to Talk What do YOU want to do? How do you feel about that? Tell me more about. What have you tried so far? What does he/she/they think about that? What does that mean to you? What do you think about that? What is it that bothers you about that?

HELPFUL PHRASES (continued) In what way? Do you want to? What would you like? What would you like to see happen? What I m hearing you say is. Do you think that is going to happen? What is the best thing that could happen? What is the worst thing that could happen? What do you think would happen if you did that?

BLOCKS TO GOOD LISTENING Judging/Evaluating Formulating responses while the person is talking. Analyzing what you re hearing while the person is talking. Jumping to Conclusions Putting words in someone s mouth, embellishing. Assuming that Everyone Thinks the Way We Do Most people have beliefs or convictions that they assume everyone has. Each individual has a different and unique perspective

BLOCKS TO GOOD LISTENING (continued) Closed Mind Listening with the idea that you won t learn anything new from the conversation. Filtering what you hear through your own pre-conceived ideas. Infatuation with Your Own Words If you talk too much, you are not really listening Sometimes we are so eager to help that we don t really listen to the problem. Wishful Thinking Hearing what you want to hear

BLOCKS TO GOOD LISTENING (continued) Short Attention Span It takes effort to focus on someone else and keep your mind from wandering. Semantics Don t assume that words, phrases, and terms mean the same to everyone. Meaning varies among professions, education levels, and socioeconomic classes. Lack of Humility Believing that you are superior to the person talking. Thinking that you already know everything. Remember that there is already a power imbalance in play between you and the individual you are advocating for. Fear Fearing Change Fearing that you may be wrong. Fearing that you may hear something that will upset your ideas and convictions

NON-HELPFUL RESPONSES Evaluating You shouldn t, You ought to, You re wrong Interpreting, Analyzing, Diagnosing You re doing that because. Ridiculing, Shaming What were you thinking.? Why did you do that? Interrupting or Dominating Conversation Yeah, that happened to me once, Well, I would have done/said. Warning, Ordering, Threatening If you don t this might happen., You ll be sorry, You should

NON-HELPFUL RESPONSES (continued) Criticizing, Blaming This wouldn t have happened if you hadn t Interrogating, Cross-Examining When did that happen? How did it happen? Did you know it was going to happen? Did you try to stop it? Did you tell anyone else? Asking questions is a sign that you re paying attention, but if you re firing questions at someone, you re interrogating, not listening.. Ask only the questions that you feel are necessary to understand and facilitate communication. Think carefully before asking sensitive questions. Don t be afraid of silences, the speaker may just need time to collect his/her thoughts.

NON-HELPFUL RESPONSES (continued) Advising, Offering Solutions I think you should., The best thing to do is. You can offer ideas or suggestions, but if you tell someone what to do you are taking power and control away from the person you are trying to help Agreeing, Giving Too-Positive Evaluations I m sure you ll figure it out. Don t worry so much. It will be fine. Everything is going to be ok. Helping means trying to assist the speaker in working through their problems. Not just giving empty reassurances or making promises you can t keep. Distracting, Diverting Let s talk about something more pleasant, It not as bad as it seems If you are uncomfortable, be honest about your feelings If you avoid the subject, the speaker may feel like his/her problem isn t being validated or he/she may feel embarrassed to talk about it with anyone else.

LEADING Giving Direction to the Conversation Indirect Leading Helps the speaker start talking and taking responsibility for the direction of the communication What s on your mind? Let s talk about the problem. Please tell me more about that. How did that make you feel? What do you think that means? Sends the speaker the message that you are letting them set the course. Direct Leading Focuses on something to help the speaker elaborate, clarify or illustrate, What about the situation made you feel frustrated? The goal is to help the speaker focus more on a feeling or a concern

Leading (continued) Focusing It is helpful to focus the conversation if the speaker is rambling or talking in circles without coming nearer to a resolution The listener should make a statement that emphasizes one feeling or idea that the speaker has presented Can be done by selecting one seemingly significant word or phrase and repeating it back as a question: So, you are feeling really anxious about. Tell me more about that. Another option is to ask the speaker to focus: Out of all the concerns you just mentioned, which one do you think is bothering you the most right now?

Leading (continued) Questioning Open ended questions (NOT yes/no questions) are the most effective in facilitating good communication. Most questions should focus on feelings and clarifications, not factual information. (You don t always need to have all the details of an event to gain an understanding of how it has affected someone.) Use questions sparingly to avoid making the speaker feel pressured or to give him/her the impression you do not believe what he/she is saying. You are a listener, not an investigator.