Understanding and Communicating with People Verbal and Nonverbal What you will gain Appreciation of others Appreciation of yourself Tools to communicate more clearly Tools to identify and defuse difficult situations Opportunities to better yourself Let s begin with body language More honest than the spoken word Two areas of study Reveals known and hidden attitudes and dfeelings in yourself and others Two styles of communications 1
Attitudes by Charles Swindoll "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes." Who are you? True communication begins by identifying what someone else is feeling. 2
Two Areas of Study Yourself, and Other People Johari s Window Invented by Joseph Luft & Harry Ingham in the 1960 s. Helps you see what you reveal and hide to others, and what they see in you that you can t see. Helps you truly see who you are. Helps you risk revealing yourself with others so you can expand your potential and grow. JoHari s Window on Reality Two Types of Gestures Positive: Negative: Also called open gestures. These open and expose the body, and imply trust. Also called defensive gestures. These shield and defend the body, and in some way say, no. 3
Positive Communications Interpreting Facial expressions Simple smile- someone not involved in any outgoing activity it Upper smile- face to face expression with friends and family Broad smile- takes place during play or while joking and laughing What percent of communication comes through Body Language? Communication experts generally agree that 55% of communication comes from body language. 38% is based on voice tone, and only 7% is based on the spoken word. *Based on series of experiments conducted by UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian in the 1960 s, and published in 1967. His studies were the basis of what went on to become the 55/38/7 rule. Positive Communications Body gestures -Gestures that open the body up, making it vulnerable. Notice the arms, hands, legs. 4
Positive Honesty Vulnerability Openness Positive Tilt of the head Eye contact Facial expression Body posture Hands Angle of head Eye contact Facial Expression Touching Touching Openness of body Positive 5
Positive Angle of body Tilt of head & body Hands Look for gestures of confidence This gesture is positive, but could go in another direction Shows pride and ownership Positive Positive This gesture is positive, but sliding in another direction Steepling is a confidence gesture Look at the level of the hands 6
Defensive Communications Body gestures that shield or defend the body. Watch for crossed arms or legs, clenched hands, or the body tilted away from you. Suspicious Resistant Worried, anxious Angry, hostile Threatened Doubt or confusion Defensive Defensive Eyes Mouth Shoulders drooped Shoulders drooped Hands 7
Defensive gestures sometimes indirectly tell you exactly what the person is feeling. Detecting lies Covering the mouth Stroking or scratching the nose Lack of eye contact Closed palms Eye movement: looking off to the right, excessive blinking, dilated pupils Small facial expressions: quick expressions that are unusual, and last for a very brief period of time ( micro gestures ) Scratching, blushing, rubbing or twitching Words that don t match the body language Defensive Sometimes the gestures seem unclear. Are these open, positive postures? What tells you otherwise? 8
Defensive Postures or movements can indicate the level of urgency. Both of these people want out of their current situation, but they re saying it differently. Defensive What postures indicate aggression? How do people typically respond? Shielding and protecting Working anxiety out wringing/kneading g g the hands Defensive 9
Compare and Contrast Look for the defensive gestures Look for the open gestures Communicating on the Phone Audio Understands by hearing Visual Understands by seeing Kinesthetic Understands by feeling When communicating over the phone, remember to match and mirror their tone, volume and tempo; and keep the learning styles in mind. AUDIO: These people learn by hearing. They will use hearing words. They have to talk out their problems, and need to be heard. They love the spoken word, and they re sensitive to sound and volume. Use hearing words when communicating with them. VISUAL: Use seeing words, and they learn by observing and taking in visual information. They tend to speak more quickly than either audio or kinesthetic people, and would usually be described as direct and to-the-point. They are the largest group, statistically speaking, and are usually action oriented. They want to see the picture, visualize the problem, and find a quick solution. Use seeing words when communicating with them. KINESTHETIC: Kinesthetics make decisions based on feelings, values, and intuition. They have to feel right about a situation. They tend to be cause-oriented, more touchy-feely, and are usually extremely loyal and stubborn. Use feeling words when communicating with them. 10
Give your words power and meaning Most people form an impression of a new acquaintance within the first 30 seconds of meeting them. The words you use in each encounter leave a strong impression on your listener, whether or not you are conscious of doing so. By focusing on what you say and how you say it, you CHOOSE the image you want to present. People respond more quickly, positively, and with less confusion to messages delivered in a positive versus negative manner. Project Positive Expectations I ll have to I ll try I can t do that This is impossible I m no good at spend time I ll be glad to I will I haven t yet, and I can This can be done I m getting better at invest time Give Credit Where Due You ll have to excuse my It s only my opinion I got lucky. I m really not too good at this. I m getting too old. Don t make excuses. I believe I planned well and worked hard. I enjoy doing this. I feel good. 11
Rebound Resiliently I failed. If only I had I m a loser. I m Im going under. What if things get worse? I learned. Starting now, I will. I m a winner. I m Im going to bounce back. That s all; it s over. Accept Responsibility You make me upset. I don t have enough time. I can t help it. That s not my fault. I can t change things. I feel upset when that happens. I can manage my available time. It s my responsibility. I choose to make the best of Encourage Cooperation and Reduce Conflict But Is everything okay? Here s what I can t do You must follow my rules. You ll have to You might want to consider I disagree. And How can I do better for you? Here s what I can do. Let s work together. th I invite you to choose. I recommend I understand. 12
Speak Decisively I should get this done by Maybe by 2 or 3pm. I think we understand each other. Do you have any questions? I would tend to think I will get this done by Before 5pm. Let s verify our agreement. What questions do you have? I believe or I recommend Tell the Truth Well, to tell you the truth Honestly Everything Always Always tell the truth State your opinions and beliefs plainly Somethings sometimes Remember What Mom Taught You I just can t remember names. They know I appreciate them. Surely he knows I m proud of him. Don t blame me! Hello, I m. Thank you. I m proud of you. I m sorry. 2001 by George R. Walther (Power Talking) 13
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. Bill Cosby How can you use what you ve learned to benefit yourself and others? Body Language: Take the time to observe people everyday, in everyday situations. Strive to figure out what they MEAN, rather than listening only to the literal content of their words. Power Talking: Identify the powerless phrases you struggle with, and write them down. Write down positive, power talking phrases to replace them, and practice them everyday. 14