ASKING POWERFUL QUESTIONS Caring comes first, confrontation follows. A context of caring can be created when a person is truly for another, genuinely concerned about another, authentically related to another. The content of such caring is, however, not a blank check approval of the other. The core of true caring is a clear invitation to grow, to become what he or she truly is and can be, to more toward maturity. David Augsburger Caring Enough to Confront Nothing can be more cruel than the leniency which abandons others to their sin. Nothing can be more compassionate than the severe reprimand which calls another Christian in one s community back from the path of sin. Dietrich Bonhoeffer Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Proverbs 4:5 7 Mentoring is simply meeting for coffee on spiritual steroids. There is an agenda and it isn t small talk. Getting the conversation going in the beginning often feels awkward. The key is intentionally guided conversation to the issues of flesh, human spirit and soul. Be ready to bring the conversation to soul-mass topics. The art of conversation is two-fold. One is listening to content and for meaning. The second is asking powerful questions for clarity. Of course, they work in concert. How can you ask powerful questions if you haven t been listening? Curiosity is the key. Behind questions is the common element of curiosity. As you probe, getting to know your friend, curiosity demonstrates your interest. Keep in mind, asking anyone to peel their onion of disclosure is a delicate procedure. Look at it from your mentoring friend s point of view. Why would you begin to peel off layers of disguise? Why would you allow someone else, particularly a person you look up to, to see parts of your life you would rather keep hidden? The only reason would be that your mentor really cares, is interested in your life, listens, asks thoughtful questions, and doesn t judge. As humans, relentlessly assaulted and condemned by the Enemy, I think we all share one common hope, that someone we look up to, who really thinks we have something to offer to life and wants to be a part of making that come to pass. Often we don t hear the
always-present cheering words of God until it comes through the voice of a friend. If mastering the art of conversation starts with listening; it ends with curiosity expressed through questions. THREE KINDS OF QUESTIONS Unproductive leading questions. These are questions with an expected answer on the end, aren t they? Wouldn t you say that leading questions get the answer you re looking for, don t they? Isn t it true the quality of an answer to a leading question is about as good as the question asked? You get the picture. Those were all examples of leading questions. Leading questions deliver the expected answer, packed in the question, don t they? Leading questions aren t really questions. They are statements, simply with a question mark at the end. This is the enjoyable part of mentoring. You aren t there to provide answers to your friend s needs, issues problems and opportunities. While it may stroke your ego or your own insecurity to ask and answer questions, the point of the relationship is for your friend to grow in Christ-likeness. Leading questions convey the signal of the expected right answer, rather than truth. The asker is unsure or insecure in an answer they may not be prepared to hear. Avoid asking these unproductive leading questions. When you friend delivers a Wouldn t you say that.? recycle and feed it back. Great question. What s your take on it? Redirecting leading questions helps your friend develop self-awareness and self-clarity as well as taking ownership for their thoughts. You may carefully offer advice but often the best answer to leading questions, is, What do you see as the options before you? If you had to pick right now, what one do you see as the best choice? Why? What are the upsides for picking it? What about the downsides? Limited value closed end. These questions can be answered with a yes or a no or a discreet piece of information. If you ve raised teen-agers you know how useless closed end questions are. How was school? OK. Where are you going? Out. What are going to do? Stuff. Closed end questions may start a conversation but they don t take you far. There is a limited space for closed end questions in mentoring. Did my question make you defensive? Do you want to meet again? When s a good time? Productive open-ended questions Eric E. Vogt in The Art and Architecture of Powerful Questions, says, A powerful question stimulates reflective thinking challenges assumptions is thought-provoking generates energy and a vector to explore channels inquiry, promises insight is broad and enduring touches a deeper meaning
evokes more questions These are the questions great conversation is built upon. When you ask open-ended questions there is no clue as to what you are expecting in return. Great open-ended questions start with, What are/is?, What did? What is? How (do) did?, How (is) was that?,how (can) could? Who, Where can/could/might? We all understand the focus of this friendship is to find ways to drill down to soul-mass issues. Many times that takes time. Time to build trust and time to sort out substance and substrate as the conversation continues. The power of questions is not to get answers. It s to get the other person thinking about answers, networking concepts, seeing the cause and effect in actions. Questions demonstrate you are listening and you care. We can look at questions from two perspectives. The first are types what, who and how. 1. What Questions: These are questions of knowledge. Curiosity is at the core of a mentoring friendship. These aren t interrogation questions. Rather, they demonstrate a genuine interest in your friend. What are the objective issues (facts)? What are your emotions (what are you feeling) about that issue? What did you say? What did you do? What happened next? What do you think are next steps? What do you expect to happen because of next steps? What questions are you asking yourself? What do you know about this situation you aren t telling me? 2. Who Questions: These are questions of relationships. Since the tendency of the human creature, made up of flesh, spirit and soul, it is critical in conversation to make sure the who gets past the me. Who are the involved parties? Describe your relationship to this person Describe what you think may be their feelings at the moment Who may also be affected by this conversation?
3. How Questions: These are questions of understanding. Yet, there are times when it is wise to play dumb. The more your friend can explain in detail the circumstance or issue, the better is the chance of seeing the big picture. How are you moving forward? How you are going to take some next steps? How do you want this to turn out? How did you get to this point? 4. Soul-mass Questions These are the questions of insight. To be a person of depth, your friend must learn how to not only drill but to understand the composition of the material being brought up. What is your soul-mass saying? Do you hear the voice of flesh? What is it saying? Do you hear the voice of your spirit? What is it saying? What do you think your soul wants to say? What is the convicting voice of the Comforter, your Paraclete, the Holy Spirit saying? How have you made this too much about you? What can you do to make it about others? What are some reasons why you need to win? Is that about control, survival or glorifying God? How will you feel when you get your way? What part of your spirituality will be happy? Looking at the soul-qualities list, what items seem to speak most directly to you and the situation? How will you resolve the conflict between what the human spirit wants and what the soul desires? How do those soul-steps now align with how you intend to move forward? Who s talking here? Flesh (Bear), Human Spirit (Siamese Cat) or your Soul (Golden Retriever) 5. Spiritual Resource Questions These are the questions seeking answers found in wisdom. In the first four chapters of Proverbs, Solomon tells his sons to get wisdom, get knowledge and get understanding. What does scripture say about this topic/issue? What do you think God is saying to you through prayer, reading the word, meditation and the voices of your earthly cloud of witnesses?
What does Jesus want you to do? THE FIFTIES The who-what-how questions can come at different points in the conversation. Here are fifty questions you can ask as you spend time with your mentoring friend. Soul-mass Exploration Questions These are ice-breaker questions. If you get the OK answer, follow up with another open-ended question. Remember: God has been at work in your mentoring friend s life. It may take time for your friend to have confidence in the relationship and then the trust to verbalize it. Be patient and enjoy the conversation. As you continue to meet, a question drawing out commitment to the process could be. 1. What s been great about your life this week? 2. How have you been stretched this week? What are some things you learned from that? What soul qualities did you experience? 3. What did you accomplish this week? What are some reasons you would call them accomplishments? How much is being driven by human spirit ambition? What do you do with that if anything? 4. Who did you serve? What were your motivations? Can you identify soul qualities in the serving? What did you learn? 5. What are some things you are grateful for? Who, in your life, are grateful for you being alive? What are some reasons for that? 6. What would you like to talk about? Why you want this issue to be a topic of our discussion? What soul-mass issues may be at work? 7. How are you using this event/issue/reaction we are talking about to grow or are you beating yourself up? Soul-mass Status Quo Probing questions. Remember, you re neither a problem solver nor a therapist. As a soul-mentor, your role is to help your friend get in touch with their spirituality. Help them to remember that: The Father is always at work to bring about events and circumstances to enlarge the kingdom of heaven. Ask what evidence they are experiencing. The Holy Spirit is at work to provide insight and awareness of spiritual needs and issues always. The love of Christ is at work to bring peace and reconciliation. Scripture provides instructive as well as revelatory answers.
Prayer is a mysterious discipline of petition and affirmation. God will reveal his love, his wisdom and his presence. Look for it. The probing then is continuously in the direction of spiritual direction. 8. What are some truths that come to mind you recall from scripture addressing this issue? 9. What are some similar events that come to mind from scripture? I recall a great example is.(this is a place where the mentor can provide some insight. If your friend is unfamiliar with the specific scripture, write it down or follow up in an email.) 10. What are some things you can do to get clarity from scripture? 11. What are some thoughts you re having about what soul-qualities may be at play? 12. I recall from your SLTA-SELF assessment that you identified yourself as strong in X and wanting to grow in Y. How s is that perhaps playing into the situation? Soul-mass Resistance Questions The human spirit of your mentoring friend has had its way for a long time. Resistance is a natural reaction. Help your friend form a super-natural response instead. 13. What is the foreign element that just came into your life? Is this the first time or has this occurred before? If so, how did you respond then? What are some things you think you ll do differently this time? Why? 14. Describe your feelings about this change event. 15. In what ways is the foreign element disruptive? Do you think it disrupted your flesh, your human spirit or your soul? What may be some reasons for that? 16. If you are feeling a push-back, what are some reasons for that? In other words, what are some reasons you would rather not deal with this issue? 17. Who are some people who would resist your efforts for change? Who are some people who would encourage your efforts for change? What are some reasons for their resistance or support? Soul-mass Clarification Questions Remember, the ball always ends up in your friend s court. To help with clarity and closure, ask, 18. What are some things you can do to address the issue? 19. What would you expect to be the outcome? 20. How is what you ve told me contributing to the problem or the solution? 21. How is what we re talking about meaningful to you? 22. Who s voice do you hear? Your flesh? Your human spirit? Your soul? The Holy Spirit? How do know? How are you going to respond to that voice? 23. Looking at your Soul Qualities list, what responses from your soul seem most
appropriate? 24. Are you running from (to avoid) or running to (to obtain or achieve)? 25. Is this sucking life or giving energy? In what ways? 26. What s stopping you from taking action? What do you hear your flesh voice saying? What is your human spirit saying? Is it the echo of the old man or the voice of a new creation? 27. Describe what this would look like if everyone felt they got their way? 28. What s the worst that can happen by taking some action? What s the worst thing that can happen by taking no action? 29. If you don t change this, what will it cost you in the long run? 30. How can you learn what you need to know about this? 31. What are you responsible for here? 32. If this weakness were also a strength, what would that be or look like? 33. Are you acting on faith or fear? 34. What in your living will be different if you take steps to change? Initiation Questions This is the opportunity for the soul-mentor to help their friend begin to frame a next-step. Importantly, the mentor needs to guard against taking any ownership for initiation. If there are people you can talk to or refer the friend to, make sure the friend has a plan bigger than what you offer to do. 35. What will you have to less of in order to make room for your goals? What do you have to do more of? What are you going to make sure remains the same? 36. In a perfect world, describe how you want this to conclude? 37. What do you see getting in the way of accomplishing what we re talking about? What are some things you can do about the things in the way? 38. Who will be helped if you get your way? Who will have to pay a price? 39. Which of your core belief and behavior values does this goal express? 40. What s the first step you need to take to reach your goal? 41. What do you need in order to succeed here? 42. What are you willing to commit to here? 43. Which step could you take that would make the biggest difference, right now? 44. What are you willing to do to improve this situation? What are you willing to stop doing to improve this situation? 45. How will your soul-mass get feed with what you plan to do? Reflection Questions Conclusion/problem solving questions and observations. Because this is a mentoring relationship, your friend wants/expects to hear your wisdom and insight. That s the main distinction from a coaching relationship. Your opinion matters. Be careful though you don t become directive.
46. What did you learn in the process? 47. Why does it matter? 48. What are you hearing in your prayer life about this issue? 49. How is your life different because of the decisions you made? How is the life of others different because of those same decisions? 50. Were there evidences of gravitational attraction or influence at work? If so, what did you experience? Soul-mentors are single minded. It is about the soul. Yes we have to deal with the thoughts and feelings of the human skin-tent but remember, spiritual growth does not happen until the soul is touched.