Difficult conversations FRATERNITY VALUE: PERSONAL AND INTELLECTUAL GROWTH SUGGESTED FACILITATOR: ALUMNAE ADVISORY COMMITTEE (AAC) MEMBER, CAMPUS FRATERNITY/ SORORITY LIFE ADVISOR OR UNIVERSITY ADMINISTRATOR Goals: To educate participants on ways to have difficult conversations with fellow chapter members. To help participants learn which style of listener they are and how this effects their conversations. To inform participants how to deal with personal conflict and the methods for positive outcomes. Room setup/materials needed: Make sure you have enough room for participants to sit comfortably as a large group as well as space for small discussion groups A pen or pencil for each member Copies of Listening Style Inventory handout for each participant (two pages found at the end of this document) Copies of Difficult Conversations handout for each participant (three pages found at the end of this document) this will allow participants to follow along with the facilitator s presentation Getting Started Talking points are indicated with a callout bullet ( ). Please use these as speaking guidelines, but be sure to jazz up the presentation with your own personality. Facilitation instructions are indicated with an arrow ( ) and serve as hints you might find helpful when administering the material. Most importantly, have fun! Introduce the activity: In any group, it is impractical to think things will always be happy, constructive, productive and wellmeaning. Whether we work to avoid it or not, conflict is going to arise. However, there are ways we can manage conflict in order to maintain the sisterhood environment for which we all strive. Managing conflict starts with good communication. When a communication breakdown occurs, it can be hard to effectively navigate resolution of conflict. A key component of communication is listening and knowing what type of listener you are. We are now going to do a short individual activity called the Listening Style Inventory. Once I pass these out, quickly and honestly answer the questions listed and then tally your score based on the answer key. Pass out copies of the Listening Style Inventory. Once each participant has received one, allow them a few minutes to complete the inventory activity then continue with the following questions calling on participants to answer. By now you should have had some time to complete the Listening Styles Inventory. Make sure you have added up your total score and matched it to the corresponding style of listener. o Based on the description of the style of listener you are, did the description confirm what you believe is your style of listening or were you surprised by your results?
o o When you picture yourself in a confrontational situation, does the description accurately describe your style of communication? What do you think the description of your listening style says about you? Now, let s dive deeper and talk a little bit more about conflict management. I am going to pass out a handout titled, Difficult Conversations so each of you can follow along and have tangible notes to take away from our discussions. Pass out copies of the Difficult Conversations handout. Wait until each participant has received a copy to continue. Unfortunately, you cannot always predict conflict. IT HAPPENS. The key is how you deal with it and how to use it to grown individually or make a project even better. Some of the greatest projects and inventions were the result of a good conflict. Conflict isn t always bad we can use it to make each other better. o What are some examples of conflict that occur in our sorority? Well, the good news is that each of these types of conflict is resolvable if the proper steps are taken. When it comes to conflict, there are three choices: o Avoid it. This can lead to blow-ups later between the parties involved. If the issue is never addressed, it will likely never be resolved. o Face it and handle it poorly. This can often make the situation worse than it was before you tried to handle it. When there is an issue and it is handled poorly, the parties involved can might move further from resolution than closer to it. o Face it and handle it well. This is the type of conflict management we will look into today. Step #1 Start with the Heart 1. Work on ME first. You are the only one you can control. In other words, no one else is responsible for your actions except for you. This is important to remember when focusing on self-reflection in preparation of having a difficult conversation. 2. Focus on what you REALLY want. Honor, respect, integrity, sincere friendship these should all play a role in your vision for the outcome of your conversation. A desire to have a strong sisterhood building upon the sorority experience for all parties involved should also be factors. A good question to ask ourselves is, If these are the outcomes I really want, how should I act so these outcomes are achieved? This probably doesn t include gossip, sharing of confidential information or holding grudges against fellow sisters. 3. Don t get off track. 1. Remember this isn t a competition, it s a conversation and therefore there is no winner or loser. Statements like, That s not the way WE do it or Well, I speak from experience often begin the conversation from a position of authority or expertise with little room for compromise. 2. Be careful not to initiate the discussion to seek revenge. Be careful of statements such as, We did this. You should, too and It s tradition we ve always done it this way or This is because you. 3. Try not to present statements that could sound threatening like, I don t want to hurt anyone and I hope this works out ok. Step #2 Learn to Look o When conflict could be imminent, there are usually warning signs that come into play. Watch for things like physical signs (your heart begins racing, you get knots in your stomach), emotions (sad, angry, hurt, offended) and behavioral signs (crossing your arms, shifting your weight or raising your voice). o With the stress of pending confrontation, people usually resort to one of two default settings silence or violence.
o o Silence: 1. Masking Understating or selectively showing opinions with statements such as Yeah, I guess that s ok or I suppose. Often these statements can be sarcastic, untrue or sugarcoating or masking the real issue or your real feelings. 2. Avoiding Those who try to avoid the confrontation can sometimes try to change the topic away from the touchy subjects. Did you watch that show tonight? or Are you hungry? Let s get something to eat. These people often try to talk a lot without ever addressing the issues at hand. 3. Withdrawing In some cases, one might try to pull out of the conversation all together and start text messaging, pretend to take a call, leave the room, etc. Violence: 1. Control Someone who seeks control will cut others off in the middle of a conversation, overstate the facts in an attempt to prove themselves right, or speak in absolutes saying things like, Everyone says. 2. Labeling This technique is used to stereotype and make over generalizations about someone or another group of people. 3. Attacking At this point, the person of violence moves from trying to win the conversation to making the other person or people suffer by belittling them or threatening them. This is called bullying and the conversation often becomes personal and verbally combative. Step #3 Make it Safe o Use your own personal freeze button if you have to. Freeze the situation or conversation, step away for a second if you need to compose yourself or your thoughts, make the situation safe and start the conversation again if needed. o Apologize when appropriate. As we mentioned, silence or violence can get the best of us. Take note of when this happens and respond appropriately. o Contrast statements with I don t want I do want Don t say what you don t mean and clarify what you do mean. Often, we re so focused on what we do want that we don t clarify what our intentions aren t. o Use the CRIB method to come to a mutual resolution. 1. C Commit to seek mutual purpose. Agree to disagree if you must, but commit to staying actively involved in the conversation until this happens. 2. R Recognize purpose behind strategy. Why do we say the things we say? Sometimes it s fear, money, or masking certain emotions. 3. I Invent a mutual purpose. What is our common ground or what common paths are we on towards similar outcomes? 4. B Brainstorm new strategies. Resolution doesn t have to be about either/or. It is about the AND. Is there a common ground both parties can agree on? Step #4 Master my Stories o Sometimes, personal reflection and a personal story can help the conversation. Here are some tips that can guide how you put together your story. o See/Hear [Feel [ Act See/Hear and pay attention to your environment and what is going on around you. Categorize and define any feelings that might be involved. These inventories should be made before acting. o Retrace your path. How did I come to this conclusion? Is silence or violence at work? o Analyze your stories. Don t confuse your stories with the facts involved and try to avoid the following types of roles: 1. Victims Someone who thinks they might be the victim in a certain situation might say things like, It s not my fault or But I m new.
2. Villains A villain will try to take no responsibility for their actions. It s all YOUR fault and I didn t have anything to do with it are things that might be said. 3. Helpless Those who think they re helpless might say things including, Well, there s just nothing I can do or I did everything I could. Step #5 STATE my Path o S Share your facts. Facts are least controversial when having a confrontational type of conversation with someone. They re also the most persuasive and the least insulting. o T Tell your story. You ve already mastered your story in step #4, now tell it. Be careful not to over-share. Watch for signs of silence and violence. o A Ask for others paths. Are there other people involved in the situation that also have facts or stories to share? Does the person you re having the conversation with have a different path? o T Talk tentatively. Again, you don t want to come across as a Victim or Villain. You an approach this by saying, In my opinion o E Encourage testing. Allow yourself to be tested. Invite others with opposing views to share their viewpoints with you. Also, you can be your own devil s advocate. Put yourself in their shoes by saying, I can see how you might think. Remember your listening style inventory and actively listen to what the other person has to say. Lastly, don t automatically prepare a response to what you think the other person is going to say. Listen closely and react to their facts and stories. Step #6 Remember Your ABCs o A Agree. Agree with the other person when you agree with what they re saying. This establishes common ground. After all, you are sisters and you want to get along. o B Build. If facts have been laid down throughout the conversation, take note of this. Build on the common ground you ve created. o C Compare. Compare your notes and viewpoints. Disagreement doesn t mean someone is wrong. Remember it isn t about either/or, it s about the AND. Step #7 Move to Action o Decide how to decide. Who cares and who are the people invested in the decision/outcome. Who knows about the situation and should be informed about the outcome (this does not mean which of your friends who isn t involved in the situation at all are you most dying to talk to about what happened). Who must agree? How many people should be involved? o There are several methods you can use to conclude the conversation and guide the decision: 1. Command One person makes the decision without the consultation of others. This rarely leads to all parties involved feeling satisfied with the outcome. This often occurs with conflicts outside of Pi Beta Phi or with personal issues. 2. Consult Input is gathered from multiple sources within the group and then a subset decides the outcome. This subset would usually be the Policy and Standards Board, the Executive Council or the Alumnae Advisory Committee. 3. Vote An agreed upon percentage determines the action taken. 4. Consensus Everyone comes to an agreement and supports the final decision. And finally, finish the conversation clearly and professionally. Determine who is supposed to do what and by when? Do the parties involved need to reconvene at some point? What follow-up actions need to be taken?
Final Wrap-Up After participants have finished taking their seminar notes on their handouts, lead the group in the final wrap-up. There were quite a few steps we went over today in our discussion about how to handle conflict appropriately. Managing conflict appropriately takes time and effort you don t need to remember all of these steps immediately. However, it is important to remember that conflict WILL happen sooner or later it is how you manage the conflict that will determine an effective and appropriate outcome. In preparation for becoming a more effective manager of conflict, remember these easy statements to keep yourself accountable. o I will commit to using these steps by. This can be a certain date or in a certain current situation. o I feel like I have a good handle on. With which portions of this conflict management process do you feel like you re most comfortable? o I will work on. Which portions are you least comfortable with and could spend the most time working on? It is our hope that the sooner we learn how to manage conflict appropriately, the more successful each of us will be at handling conflict effectively. Thank everyone for participating in this seminar. Evaluation: Don t forget to help the Fraternity assess this program. The program facilitator, as well as a member of each class, should be asked to visit the Leading with Values pages on the website, www.pibetaphi.org/leadingwithvalues, to fill out a quick survey. Remember, the name of this seminar is Difficult Conversations. The chapter s Vice President of Member Development should remember to record the presentation of this program in the chapter s monthly regional report.
Listening Style Inventory The following items relate to your listening style. Please read each question and quickly indicate your opinion by marking the appropriate response. 1. I want to listen to what others have to say when they are talking.: 2. I do not listen attentively when others are talking. 3. By listening, I can guess a speaker s intent or purpose without being told. 4. I have a purpose for listening when others are talking. 5. I keep control of my biases and attitudes when listening to others speak so that these factors won t affect my interpretation of the message. 6. I analyze my listening errors so as not to make them again. 7. I listen to the complete message before making judgments about what the speaker has said. 8. I cannot tell when a speaker s biases or attitudes are affecting his or her message. 9. I ask questions when I don t fully understand a speaker s message. 10. I am aware of whether or not a speaker s meaning of words and concepts is the same as mine.
Now, grade your answers: Questions 2 and 8: Almost always = 1 Often = 2 Sometimes = 3 Seldom = 4 Almost Never = 5 Questions 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9 and 10: Almost always = 5 Often = 4 Sometimes = 3 Seldom = 2 Almost Never = 1 Total score (out of 50 possible points): Based on your total score, you are the following type of listener: Active (45-50) The active listener gives full attention to listening when others are talking and focuses on what is being said. This person expends a lot of energy participating in the speaking-listening exchange, which is usually evidenced by an alert posture or stance. One with a closer score to 50 often exhibits much direct eye contact. Involved (38-44) The involved listener gives most of his or her attention to the speaker s words and intentions. This person reflects on the message to a degree and participates in the speaking-listening exchange. The involved listener practices some direct eye contact and may have alert posture or stance, although this may be intermittent. Passive (28-37) The passive listener receives information as though being talked to rather than as being an equal partner in the speaking-listening exchange. While assuming that the responsibility for the success of the communication is the speaker s, this listener is usually attentive, although attention may be faked at times. The passive listener seldom expends any noticeable energy in receiving and interpreting messages. Detached (0-27) The detached listener withdraws from the speaking-listening exchange and becomes the object of the speaker s message rather than its receiver. The detached listener is usually inattentive, disinterested, and may be restless, bored, or easily distracted. This person s noticeable lack of enthusiasm may be marked by slumped or very relaxed posture and avoidance of direct eye contact. *The listening inventory gives a general idea of preferred listening style, how a person views themselves. The scores indicating styles are approximations and should be regarded as such. A person may change listening style when responding to a given situation or their interests, intentions, or objectives. Such factors may be either internally or externally derived. Adapted from resources found on the NOVA Southeastern University website: http://www.nova.edu/yoursuccess/
Difficult Conversations Unfortunately, you cannot always predict conflict IT HAPPENS! The key is how you handle it. When it comes to conflict, there are three choices: 1. 2. 3. Work on ME first: Step #1 Start With The Heart Focus on what you REALLY want: Don t get off track: Silence Step #2 Learn to Look Violence 1. 2. 3. 1. 2. 3.
Step #3 Make it Safe Use the freeze button Apologize when appropriate Contrast statements with I don t want I do want Use the CRIB method: o C o o o R I B Step #4 Master my Stories See/Hear [ Feel [ Act Retrace your path Analyze your stories Step #5 STATE my Path S T A T E
Step #6 Remember Your ABCs Agree. Build. Compare. Step #7 Move to Action Decide how to decide. Finish clearly. Final Wrap-Up I will commit to using these steps by. This can be a certain date, or in a certain current situation. I feel like I have a good handle on. With which portions of this conflict management process do you feel like you re most comfortable? I will work on. With which portions are you least comfortable with and could spend the most time working to improve? Adapted from: Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial conversations. McGraw-Hill: Chicago, IL.