Building Mutual Respect and Accountability Starts with Curiosity Mutual accountability develops out of, and is built on, mutual respect and trust. The best way to begin to build mutual respect and trust is to extend curiosity and empathy to the person you are trying to build a relationship with, and to yourself. Curiosity means: Genuinely wanting to know and understand the other person, and Not assuming you know what is happening for them, or that a behavior means the same thing if they are doing it as it would if you were doing it (acknowledging that they live in a separate but equal reality and understanding that this means that the world, and the specific situation you are sharing with them, look different to them than to you). Being willing to let go of the assumption that you know what is happening for the other person AND believing that it is possible to find out can be challenging. Avoiding Assumptions It is perhaps equally, though differently, challenging when we are dealing with people we perceive as very different from ourselves, or when we are dealing with someone we think of as like us. When we are dealing with people who we see as different, we are often affected by conscious and unconscious stereotypes, and by our fear of being perceived as ignorant (book: Whistling Vivaldi on Stereotype threat) When we are dealing with people we think of as like us we run into trouble instead because we are too likely to assume that their reactions will be like ours, and so often misinterpret them.
In both cases, we re getting caught in the largely unconscious short-cuts our minds take as we try to navigate relationships In cultivating curiosity, we consciously choose to make a habit of noticing and questioning our assumptions. Empathy Empathy that is, the ability to understand, in a felt way, what another might be experiencing (empathy is never perfect) is a natural result of real curiosity. Self-empathy that is, the ability to be consciously in touch with the specifics of what you are feeling and what that feeling is connected to is as important as empathy extended to others. (See Reflecting Back and Acknowledgement below for reflections on ways to express empathy.) Resources: Whistling Vivaldi: How Stereotypes Affect Us and What We Can Do by Claude Steele Across Barriers http://www.combarriers.com
Tools for Standing In Curiosity Standing in curiosity is a foundational tool for creating mutual respect and accountability, and resolving conflicts. Stay focused on understanding what is actually happening, right now, for you and for the other person/people involved. Remember that I don t understand means you need more information. Notice when you are focused on who is right and who is wrong and take that as your cue that you re not standing in curiosity. Practice letting go of judgment (of others and of yourself) by instead, focusing on learning, and on finding creative solutions. Try asking what questions rather than why questions when you are noticing what appears to be disrespectful, stuck, defensive, unproductive or shut down behavior. If you are uncertain what to ask, perhaps start with: What is hard about that for you? What do you want? What would make this easier/ better? Or, What would work better for you? What are you assuming? What do you need? What are you concerned about? What were you intending (or hoping)? What are you thinking/what is your opinion/perception? What would make it fun?
One Useful Basic Flow (Any step may come back in at any point.) Forward the action/deepen the learning brainstorm, make suggestions, make commitments and invite people to make them Be curious ask what questions Reflect back/offer acknowledgement Offer empathy What might they be experiencing/feeling? (Guess out loud, or just hold that guess as a way to ground your curiosity, your desire to understand and connect.)
More Tools for Connecting and Building Trust (I didn t actually bring these wall sheets with me, but we did talk about these ideas, so I ve included them. These tools are rooted in empathy.) Reflecting Back Reflecting back is simply the process of mirroring back, in different words, what you are hearing from someone. It serves three key purposes: 1. It tests to see if you have heard them well. Often we think we understand what someone is saying, but we miss we get it wrong because their framework, assumptions and language are different from ours. You can build an entire plan on a misunderstanding of what someone wants, intends, or is experiencing. 2. It helps them feel genuinely heard. Often the thing people need most is to be heard without being judged. 3. It offers them a chance to recognize what they already know. Acknowledgement Acknowledgement is a form of reflecting back, though sometimes we are reflecting what we are seeing, or what we know, not just what we are hearing. It offers all the same benefits listed above, and another; often, people don t recognize their own strengths, the good things they are accomplishing, the specifics of the challenges they are facing, etc. Acknowledgement can help people recognize those things, and then build on that foundation. Try it out and then notice what happens when you start by acknowledging: 1. What is happening and how they are feeling about it i.e. It sounds like you are upset, or It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by all that you are already doing, and that you
aren t sure you have the energy to take on one more thing, or It sounds like you feel like you don t have any good options here. 2. What people are contributing/have contributed i.e. Reflecting on what you just told me, it sounds like you have been working hard on x, and that you ve gotten y done that s a lot! OR I want to say that I really appreciate all the work you ve been doing on x it s really made a difference It s important to notice that when we do this kind of reflecting and acknowledging, we are guessing and we could be wrong. This is an opportunity to model transparency/ reflective practices. Being willing to acknowledge our own uncertainty and mistakes, and to respond to other people s uncertainty and mistakes with curiosity and support is critical to creating an environment in which people will - take risks, - take leadership, and ask when they need help