Dealing with. Difficult People. 6 Proven Survival Strategies to Help You Regain Control
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1 Dealing with Difficult People 6 Proven Survival Strategies to Help You Regain Control
2 Contents. Why I Wrote This Book Difficult People have a Unique World View Proven Survival Strategies to Help You Regain Control Conclusion About The Author
3 Why I Wrote This Book. Demanding, dominant and controlling people are an increasing problem at work. There can be little question that managing conflict is a challenge for many people. Research indicates that the number of controlling people is increasing. This problem exists in our competitive business world, government departments, sporting and community organisations, and schools. Perhaps even in your family dynamics. The anonymous and narcissistic opportunities of Face Book and other social media seem to reinforce this. I have a 30 year career in conflict resolution and have helped people from all walks of life learn how to reduce inter-personal conflicts. I am passionate about helping and teaching others to have resilient, respectful, and effective relationships -even with challenging people. Today I see an increasing number of people who are feel besieged by these ongoing irrational conflicts. Bosses who use fault-finding to dominate teams or individuals. Colleagues who continually complain and yet always seem to be caught up in some new personal battle. If you decided to download this book you are probably finding that your well-meaning attempts to manage such conflicts are not working. You may be feeling: harassed and exhausted possibly overwhelmed and over responsible perhaps even threatened and fearful. Many of the common-sense strategies you might use for resolving disagreements with other people DO NOT work here! 3
4 You need an approach informed by research and expert advice that will give you strategies for an effective proactive plan to stop the blame games and put responsibility back where it belongs. This simple guide is designed to give you the first steps to regain your sense of control. I want to help you to understand the drivers for controlling people so you know how to identify the warning signs and know how look after yourself. If you have been facing the challenges of working with or managing a difficult person for some time you may have lost confidence, be feeling drained and demoralised. Your health may decline, sleep be disrupted and you may feel increasing anxiety and/or depression. You may need to invest in some additional support, counselling or coaching to reclaim your sense of wellbeing. This book provides 6 proven survival strategies for dealing with controlling people that really do work. You can learn to hold your ground with difficult people. Member, Australian College of Social Work Accredited Mental Health Social Worker MA SocSc Counselling BA Social Work Nationally Accredited Mediator 4
5 Difficult People have a Unique World View. Controlling people want you to enter into their definition of the world. In their world view they are the Star, the Director, Script Writer and Editor of every event and every story they tell. No sharing. No compromise. Each conflict is all about their needs. Their personality. But this is not reality. Far from it! You are cast as an Extra. You may be cast as the Rescuer, as Hopeless, Irresponsible, or the Villain - responsible for all their woes. Your role has been defined whether you like it or not. With changing circumstances this might alter, but you can be certain it won t change in your favour. This conflict is not about you, (even when they say it is!) It s about their difficulty managing their needs, emotions, frustrations. Keep this in mind at all times. Controlling people have a sense of entitlement. They need to be right and they need to blame others. They get upset quickly even over petty matters. They lack insight into their actions and the consequences. These are people, who despite their complaints, are not really interested in resolving problems or finding solutions. These 6 essential steps will increase your success working with, or managing the difficult and controlling people in your life. These strategies can reduce emotional outbursts, manage to lower intensity of conflicts, and help you continue to work with or manage the difficult behaviours of high conflict people. 5
6 6 Proven Survival Strategies to Help You Regain Control. Step 1: Confidence Not a lot of people understand that confidence is not an emotion, but a skill. The skill of predicting, with reasonable certainty, the outcome of your actions. Or another person s. To gain more confidence dealing with controlling people you need to maintain objectivity and observation. What if you watched the dynamic from a balcony, as in watching a play or a movie, what would you see happening? From this balcony view you gain more emotional distance and can keep a more rational perspective can watch the situation as if watching players on a stage or movie. Who else is involved? What is the timing? What could you predict next? Remember the controlling person is cast in their role as Star. Controlling people initiate conflict in often predictable ways. Learn to watch the conflict patterns emerge. You can often predict the next obstacle and then consider your choices more proactively. Watch the actions of the controlling person, one step removed. Don t taking the unfolding drama personally, even when blame games are used as ammunition. Watch your own actions (and reactions) in the same way. Step back and observe. It is so easy to get lost in the irrational story of what s going on and get caught up in your own emotional reactions, so you will need to pay attention to STEP 2. 6
7 Step 2: Calm Putting it simply: Breath-rate equals heart-rate equals thought-rate. The ability to keep your breathe rate steady will help you stay calm enough to make clear decisions about your responses to unreasonable behaviours. Brain research indicates we use two different types of thinking when responding to conflict situations. A solution-focused, problem-solving approach when your heart rate is reasonably steady and you can be relatively calm. Pause before you reply to that long angry text, abrupt , or pick up the phone. To better manage your emotions, stay aware of your breath rate, as you can tend to hold your breath when fearful. You can reduce your strong emotions through a steady breath rate, using these pauses to slow down your racing thoughts. High levels of fear and anger shut down logical thought and leads towards rigidity, reactiveness and crisis-orientated problem solving abilities. When your emotions are heightened, your heart rate races. This fight/flight/freeze response is your instinctive, automatic response to danger. Controlling people thrive on this response from others. Indeed, they are habitually caught up in this cycle themselves. A real risk is you will end up repeating the very same behaviours the controlling person is indulging in. Alternatively, you will respond in ways that trigger their entitled anger. The conflict will now predictably escalate. To ensure you don t start up down this path, it is important to not get caught in the demands and accusations used to control you, pay close attention to STEP 3. 7
8 Step 3: Concise Avoid defensive descriptions When judged or blamed, your natural reaction may be to feel frustrated, attacked or even want to attack back. It is almost an automatic response to feel defensive when issues are raised harshly and with criticism. If so, you are likely to do one of three things: Justify Provide a lengthy, detailed explanation of your actions with hoping to clarify what, why and how, hoping they will understand you. Complain Describe all the difficulties, obstacles and problems that came up along the way, to gain some sympathy. Counter-attack - Point out the other person s contributions to the problems, their mistakes. It is not just you who is at fault here. Unfortunately, the research evidence is very clear that even in the most reasonable disagreements, defensiveness intensifies conflicts. With a controlling person, this can be the fuse that ignites. Your discomfort, fears or frustrations will look like anger, your responses seem aggressive. Decide ahead of time you will not defend yourself against every comment, criticism or accusation. Controlling people are very persistent at derailing conversations and introducing side-tracks. The issues raised by controlling people are often their emotions, not real issues. You can choose to ignore irrelevant issues, tangential topics and inflammatory comments. Although it can be challenging, it is wise to avoid retaliation. Keep your conversations or written communication concise and to the point, focused on the matters important to you. Stay steady and ignore the extraneous disputes. Being concise limits will help you manage the tendency to over-explain and appear defensive, and will help you implement STEP 4. 8
9 Step 4: Communicate Clearly Information only Controlling people get upset quickly, from 0 to 100 in a flash. They get repetitively upset over the same issues. They get upset over minor matters. They lecture rather than listen. They react rather than reflect. Dealing effectively with difficult people requires you to stay calm enough to listen and respectfully acknowledge that you understand their viewpoint. You don t have to agree. Dominating people lack insight into their actions and an interest in understanding the consequences of their behaviours. It is essential to understand this because what will often derail your efforts to move difficulties forward is trying to: Discuss the impact of their behaviour. Share your own experience or emotions. Give negative feedback. I see so many people invest huge amounts of energy in conflicts trying to share their insights, reactions and experiences with a controlling person, hoping they will get it, understand and empathise. It doesn t work. To keep the communication on track about the issues important to you: Acknowledge their strong feelings but reduce the intensity. For example, using words like frustrated rather than angry. Avoid commenting on your own emotions or reactions. Keep these to yourself. Stick to information-only statements. Outline events without additional comment on whether you agree or not with blameorientated statements. Keep the focus on the important facts and avoid trying to give insights and feedback. This will prepare you for STEP 5. 9
10 Step 5: Future Choices Focus on what s next Controlling people have long memories for past grievances. Their conflicts are filled with resentments, gripes and lists of other s faults. You can gain more control in resolving conflict when you shift discussion away from these past complaints towards the possible future actions you can both consider. Prepare for these negotiations and conversations by evaluating your options and knowing what is important to you: What would you ideally you like to achieve? What can you find middle ground on and accommodate? What are your limits What won t you compromise on? Stay focused on what is important to you to resolve. Be prepared for predictable side issues and a sense of urgency. Present your views about your preferred options carefully, briefly, one proposal at a time. Take your time. Think about what you are likely to hear from the other person remembering their rigid thinking and one and only solution orientation. Plan how you might respond to this. Consider their demands as suggestions or proposals you can respond to, based on your priorities. You can say a calm No to suggestions you disagree with, and present your preferred option. You can say Yes to suggestions that are possible and reasonable for you. Make sure you can ask questions to clarify details. You can certainly say I need time to consider this, if you need more information and are not ready to make a decision. With discussion about future proposals as the framework for moving things forward, you re ready for STEP 6 10
11 No 6: Confide Allies are indispensable Don t do this work alone. Ask for help. It is essential that you have support. No one manages the complex relationship challenges with a controlling, demanding person on their own. You will want to react. Your buttons will be pushed. It can be hard to know if you are heading in the right direction without some good solid feedback. Find a close friend, colleague or associate whom you trust, can share your feelings and discuss private matters. Their confidentiality is essential. You will need someone to help you: Maintain objectivity, and help you step up to take that balcony view. Consider your responses before you may overreact to an angry text, abrupt or an outrageous public outburst. Read your reply , edit out the emotive words, and help with brevity. Remind you not to immediately respond to a confronting text message. Help you stay calm and explore your options for the future, rather than retaliate. Debrief with, understand your struggle and celebrate a success. Find a trusted ally, an informed and skilled manager, or engage with a conflict resolution skills coach, so that you can learn how to implement these 6 Proven Survival Strategies and help you regain control in difficult situations. 11
12 Conclusion. Dealing with difficult, controlling people can feel very isolating. Indeed, isolation may be one of their strategies. Working or living with a controlling, demanding person creates an environment where you are experiencing significant stress which can impact your health, your work and family life and your wellbeing. Chances are you may need professional help to implement these strategies and support your progress towards success. Expert advice and resources are available to assist you review and reflect on what is working and what are the particular obstacles you confront in dealing with a controlling person in your life. Solutions offers individual, team and organisational coaching and training services. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ENQUIRE ABOUT ELIZABETH S COACHING AND TRAINING SERVICES CALL TODAY ON or info@elizabethwilliamsonsolutions.com 12
13 About the Author. is the Founder and Principal of Elizabeth Williamson Solutions, providing excellence in conflict resolution skills coaching, training and consulting. is a conflict resolution expert with over 30 years experience as a counsellor, coach, consultant and trainer. She has extensive experience in conflict resolution skills coaching for managers and business leaders. She is an accredited mediator, who has facilitated the successful resolution of complex workplace conflicts in large corporations, finance industry, government, SMEs and NGOs. Elizabeth is an experienced couples and family therapist, and respected counsellor who is committed to helping people find practical and uniquely personal solutions to transform challenging, and even overwhelming problems, into opportunities for growth and lasting change. She is committed to helping our most important relationships thrive and create a more peacefilled community, in every conversation we have. She regularly writes about conflict resolution, resilience and relationship skills. She is an inspiring, informative and motivating speaker and trainer. OR To have Elizabeth speak at your next conference Call today: info@elizabethwilliamsonsolutions.com Face Book Linked In: a Solutions 37 Tewkesbury St Cheltenham South Australia 5014 Australia 13
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